Your Poetry Dot Com - Find me on the Rocks Below

Insecurities, we all have them
One minute we are flying so high,
The next we hit rock bottom
But let me tell you where my insecurities were born
Were my heart was torn
And why I’m now left to mourn

Insecurity number 1: trust
For every relationship this is a must
But how can he learn to trust society in this stage
Every single time he has been let down while the battles wage
Parents never there, always working day and night
And all his inside darkness enveloped his light
The amount of times he was cheated on,
He thought it must be because he is never good enough

Insecurity number 2: never being good enough
From the start he had it so rough
Since the night he watched his best friend get raped and beat
And he never stopped them, now left feeling like a worthless piece of meat
Not long after she committed suicide
But it was not only her in that night that died
The world watched as this kid died from the inside
The tears flowed in his bed, hidden from the land
He was too proud to ask society for a helping hand
But then it all came to much, when he became the sole survivor of a car crash
While two other of his good mates died in the smash
As he sat in the car, now scrap metal and leather
He realised this path he had taken had snapped him free of his tether
So he turned away for some privacy, and bottled all the pain
Always dead on the inside, but never letting his strength wane
Until he got home, where he had a few hours of rest
Before his dad got home, and created another test
He was hit and he was beaten, by that drunken fool
Most night coughing up enough blood to make a pool
Every night he tried to kill himself and enter the next stage
But as he raised the gun to his head, he always failed to change to the next page

Insecurity number 3: too weak
Even at my peak
My tears still eventually leak
Why am I so weak?
Why can I not take this pain and forget?
But its only half of it that you get.
Like the time I found my aunty hanging by the neck, from the rope
It seems the next world had been her only hope
As I read the note that was clasped in her hand
“***** you and everyone else in this land”
It was traumatic, watching her face as she swung to me
And being too lost in your lifeless eyes, to turn and flee
Seeing you hanging there, lost in your own misery and pain
I can’t help but wonder what it was that made you think there was nothing left in life to gain

While I’m in this mood I’ll keep saying my tales
That night as we walked for home drunk, pushing and shoving like normal males
And bushy turned and pushed Fitzy onto the highway
And that car, that nobody saw hit him, before driving away
To the dog who drove, this hit and run
You must live with the knowledge every day, so in the end what have you won?
As we ran to Fitzy, too drunk to do anything but cry
And all that Bushy could manage was “why?”
His head was split, blood pooling out
And for hour upon hour we waited for someone, but none were about
It was just us and our brother, as we sat by his side
As one after another we all tried and we tried
You have no idea of some of the things I have seen, none at all
Yet you’re the first to judge whenever I have a big fall

Alcohol seemed like the biggest get away
But it was the images and memories that did stay
But as I took bottle and bottle, destroying my mind so I could forget myself
I watched as everything went down, including my health
I longed for that burn of vodka on my lips
The burn that healed all my hearts tears and rips
And I was forever searching to drink till I literally died
So I drank myself into a stupor and cried and cried
But you know, you can say I’m not the same anymore
But would anyone be the same after what I saw
It ripped away all the innocence I had inside,
And made me want to run away and hide
I was so depressed, so shocked, you have no idea
But there are still so many stories you could hear

Christmas eve of 2004, I was only eight
Saw the world in through innocent eyes, thinking all was great
Little old me watched my old man load himself with the drink
And watched as the monster came, and the good began to sink
As he swung me by the neck, hitting table after table
Before tying rope around my chest, and hanging me from a cable
As he swung his fist into me, as every bone broke
And not one bystander lifted a finger to stop a stroke
They just watched as I was put into intensive care
And said ***** things like “oh we tried to get there”
No one tried to help, not one ***** soul
So you can now all get ***** in a pitiless hole
You watched a tiny human, being slaughtered
And you didn’t raise a finger, even when he was cornered
Even when he lay unmoving, bones splintered through his skin
You may not have been the main sinner, but you still did sin

And what about that night when Hayley rang, screaming, begging for help
The way you cried and wailed and yelped
She drank so much, trying to dull the pain
And smoked heavy, wishing for something to gain
But of course her body was not used to this drug amount
The way she convulsed, and stiffened and screamed
She was going through the very middle of hell it seemed
One minute she was lying against me, crying for the dead
The next she was convulsing, coughing blood all over the bed
I’ll never forget the piercing screams that signalled your final heart beat
As I sat and I prayed to god, to treat you right when you meet
Death seems to surround me; at every corner another friend is left to fall
Who is next is unpredictable, it’s anyone’s call
I am only sixteen,
Yet I cannot take back what I have seen
I have a way with words which makes you realise how I feel
And its these words that have the potential to heal

So what if I can’t do this anymore, if I have had enough
Over the last few months, it has been so rough
You can call me weak, or call me tough
But still, enough is enough
3 nights I spent writing this, its pure emotion let go
Because for now, this emotion is all I have to show
I once was just like any other kid, naļve to the other side
And it’s the memories I have, and the things I’ve seen that I can’t hide
I have seen people kill themselves, and I could be blamed for some
And most the time I couldn’t care what happens to me, I’m completely numb
To those people who reckon I’m wasting the life I have got
The ones who just judge, no matter what
Read this and maybe you will grow the ***** up one day
And maybe soon, if someone is different you won’t make them pay

I have one last story to tell you tonight
The one that affects me most, till I’m barely alight
I was 6, I did not know what cancer meant
My real mother, the one with which my time never got spent on
She passed away,
Paying the ultimate price that anyone could pay
7th July 2002, the day that was set to ruin my life
The day my dad snapped, as to my neck he held the knife
As I saw the madness in his eyes
And I saw the fear and pain in all his eyes
As he told me, no begged me he was sorry, he didn’t mean it
Then the next night he kicked at me, and he hit
It was like I was blamed for my mother’s passing
And every bashing I made it through he just hated me for lasting
As a little kid, begging for my life from my dad
Does this make you upset, make you feel bad?
Have you ever had it so tough that you were scared to come home?
Wished he could run away and just free roam
And never fear for his life while he slept or rested
Every single aspect of this kid was singularly tested
Now you know what I went through to get here
But don’t think I write this for you to shed a tear
This is an outlet, something to leave behind when I leave
So you can patch my life together in a miserable weave
If one night you find me, on the rocks below
Just know this is how I felt my whole life,
An impossible low

This poem is Copyright Ā© damian