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Array ( [sid] => 101695 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => submitted for your approval [time] => 2005-07-20 03:18:51 [hometext] => pls read this is the best i have ever written [bodytext] => submitted for your approval are my words of concern
your world is being consummed by the great corporate worm
your building their towers and polluting the sky
when the whole thing comes crashing down dont ask me why
its plagueing your heart and corrupting there your soul
it wont be long till it takes it toll
destroying the oceans and killing the sea
when the whole thing washes away dont run to me
our land is dying and science builds our food
this world is chaotic dont you feel the mood
music and movies there vision so loud
words from the wise the blind walk so proud
this is our life as seen on tv
we follow the dumb so what then are we
i wont fight it alone this society so unreal
i cant be the only one who can feel
this pain in my heart i feel everyday
watching humanity wasting away [comments] => 6 [counter] => 191 [topic] => 13 [informant] => lostrelic [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 0 [associated] => [topicname] => DarkPoetry )

submitted for your approval

Contributed by lostrelic on Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 03:18:51 AM in AEST
Topic: DarkPoetry

submitted for your approval are my words of concern
your world is being consummed by the great corporate worm
your building their towers and polluting the sky
when the whole thing comes crashing down dont ask me why
its plagueing your heart and corrupting there your soul
it wont be long till it takes it toll
destroying the oceans and killing the sea
when the whole thing washes away dont run to me
our land is dying and science builds our food
this world is chaotic dont you feel the mood
music and movies there vision so loud
words from the wise the blind walk so proud
this is our life as seen on tv
we follow the dumb so what then are we
i wont fight it alone this society so unreal
i cant be the only one who can feel
this pain in my heart i feel everyday
watching humanity wasting away

Copyright © lostrelic ... [ 2005-07-20 03:18:51]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: submitted for your approval (User Rating: 1 )
by vibes2go on Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 03:51:26 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

It starts out like .. was that Twilight Zone ... or the Outer Limits? not that that's a bad thing .. futuristic .. it's a warning.. but you need to change your "there" to their .. when you're talking about people, and the posessive pronoun. I don't know if you intentionally don't use puctuation for your style .. but you were missing a lot of apostrophies..
the word can't for example ... and it's just my opinion, but I think if you arranged it in 3 line breaks it might have more power .. but good job. (hey ... you asked..lol )

Re: submitted for your approval (User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 05:56:33 AM AEST
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Sad but excellent writing.
huggs,
emy

Re: submitted for your approval (User Rating: 1 )
by sushant on Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 06:27:06 AM AEST
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this is a good poem man wonderfull personally i wont call it ur best i ve read some of ur poems and think u can do much better. paragraphs would have helped
the theme is excelent.

Re: submitted for your approval (User Rating: 1 )
by deathdrop on Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 07:31:43 AM AEST
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i quite agree, this is your best!

and i certainly, do feel the same way as you about this world!

you're presented this welll with great rhyme, style, and flow.

good job!

... and keep on fighting for what you belive in!

Re: submitted for your approval (User Rating: 1 )
by pUnKa_RaCh on Wednesday, 20th July 2005 @ 07:44:24 AM AEST
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so true...so very true.

Great write. Very thought-provoking and real.

Re: submitted for your approval (User Rating: 1 )
by Chilibear on Friday, 22nd July 2005 @ 08:20:09 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Amazing poem! It's the first of ur poems i've read, and it makes me want to read them all. Great job! I loved it.

-Chili

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