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Array
(
[sid] => 106976
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Inside My Disease(Essay?)
[time] => 2005-10-03 01:34:59
[hometext] => I've been asked to turn my three poems to an essay.
[bodytext] => Who really knows the evil that so deeply lurks inside of each of us?Is it caused be the pain that holds a piercing cold stare,so devious.The darkside of our souls is where the evil all grows then the sunshine in our hearts is slowly taken apart.Now prisoners we are,trapped inside our minds,day and night tried to fight but we're still looking blind.We question the future,look back on the past,just searching for ways to make time simply pass.We wonder about living and we don't want to die but will Heaven even take us if we're still lost and so high and what If I died in a state of confusion,I'd never know what was real or just an illusion.I pray to God for some answers,just give me a clue that would show me the way and what I should do.If I have to continue in this world I hate,just once I'd like to have a peaceful mind state. So my eyes looking forward and my head held up high,I take a walk towards happiness,hope I end up in the sky.If I end up down below and the devil wants to know how I got there and why, I'll tell him I was weak,the pressure too much so I chose to die.Inside of every soul theres the power to take control,if you want something strong enough eventually it unfolds.Be true to yourself,and nobody fails,stay true to your heart and you can be nothing else.With this have I siezed my final thought? Have I not grown, not paid the cost? Why can't they see or validate my claims, have I really become this unordained? if I took you there, you be so scared, you'd run and hide, inside you'd cry until you'd found just whats behind. Is this really fear I feel or something else thats closing near? Into these depths I've crept and crept, I still can't see just what is left? What happened here, I thought I'd cleared, my mind was fine, now I've been undermined? To what do I owe this clever infraction, is there something I did to cause this attraction? Do I really deserve what my mind does to me? Am I really this evil inside this disease? Can I not be saved or taken away, has this pain I feel inside enslaved.. Who will care when I become unaware, will they all look away and pretend to pray as they hope for the best for an untimely death? Do they really see me for what I believe or can they only see need through what they've percieved? The loss of innocence is an inevitable gain,but if I could go back I'd stay just the same. To the ends of the earth I'd go just to find,just what was lost and left far behind. If only once I had this chance I'd humbly go back and let my soul be enhanced. I'd take with me all that I'd need to see right through what doesn't bleed. How could someone take from what your heart breaks then look at you, as if it were true, after all you'd been through ? If God is above, why can't he free me? Can he not see? Does he not want to believe? And Why would he allow, all that I've embowled, can't he just take away the part of my brain that won't leave me alone so I can somehow move on? WHy do I have to be this way, why is it me whose minds' estranged? If I WISHED this all away, would it go or should I PRAY? "Dear God just release me from this prison I keep, take it from me before it can see, that I'm barely here, nothing left but my fears, and left so ungaurded I'd only be easy target. What is it with me, that I can never just be so happy and free, so full of intrigue over lifes little things? Why do i still try to become so defined by lifes complications, seeking out to embrace them? Let me go...Let Me go... Let me go and be free, stay out of my soul for I'm all out of control, Its taken its toll as only older I grow. I guess its just me, I cannot escape it, when the one that is causing it is the only one who can take it.. Overuled by Guilt, empowered by danger, I look at me know as I'm becoming a stranger. I dont want to forget the real me thats inside, so swallowing my pride I ask God to guide. Take me back to the place where my heart was erased, give me back my conscience and restore my faith. Just please take away all that is so crazed and give back to me all of those forgotten days. I keep this on fire so I wont expire without someone to know that my mind has been blown and it wasn't just "nothing" that kept me in suffering. My mind is a place where I'm only disgraced, and living in here is so severe that I had to bring forth just what drives my force, let you see inside so one day you'd find, that I never had the answers, I never had a clue, Ive just been doing what I thought your supposed to as I am just a catastrophe, a fallen soul from grace, why do i feel so disengaged? By being so bold I've already conquered and told all my stories of evil and life in displace. Now I've come this far without using the stars, but a wish I'll make to know my fate. Why can't I know or see a glimpse of whats to come when life is gone.....Will I still wonder and not be convinced, will I always feel this discontent. Will the tears I've cried be washed away, will the hurt Ive caused be mine to stay? And could Hell for me be just that, all the pain Ive inflicted coming right back? If this was true, how about you, would you look back in regret at all the lives that you've wrecked, and would it be fear that causes this peer back into your past where all your secrets clash. Or would it be sincere that allthough through fear you'd feel remorse as you closed those doors and got back inside the crawlspace of your mind. Its a place to hide where nothing coincides,no feelings of demise, where no tears are cried. Can it be that I may just be a refugee to my own insanity and we are all on earth to merely uncover its worth? Are we supposed to be finding just what keeps us striving, and living in sin on our personal whims while taking it all in stride with the hopes to someday confide in something much greater than you and I'd find. Will I even make it till death here on earth, inside have I died or something much worse? Has my soul stood so cold for too long to be freed? Will I make it to Heaven in spite of my greed, in spite of me, inside this disease? Will I be freed? In hopes and dreams I see these scenes of a "happily ever after", wonder in the end will I just grin, with the closing of this chapter? Or will I dance with shadows black in an eternity for the wicked, will I stand there,without a care, take my demise not act surprised, become the demon thats in my eyes? Will I still feel all the pain inside, will it go away in the afterlife? Maybe Hell isn't so Bad, at least it'd be over, the shame and the pity,the hating to be sober. If Heaven's so full of the good not the evil then why do I tremble with these thoughts I could bleed through....... I ache for me, I ache to see what exactly will become of me, Just one lost soul, with an endless hunger to see the truth through what I can prove, of whom I can find, to see through my cold and eerie cries. I cant take a thing when I leave this world, to Heaven or Hell or so Ive been warned. Ill take my mind, cant leave it behind, I want it to stay and just go away..... [comments] => 2 [counter] => 192 [topic] => 61 [informant] => kerrah681 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 15 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => selfstruggles )
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