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Array ( [sid] => 113788 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Concentual Homicide [time] => 2006-01-26 09:14:22 [hometext] => First attempt so would really appreciate as many comments as possible. and I apologise in advance for how I've abused free verse. thanks. [bodytext] => Strength in my tears,
Purity in my intentions,
When did misery become a bi-product of love?

I feel; I feel everything.
Intensity is taken for granted.
I know you love me with all of you,
But is that enough? Is it anything at all?
Will I find a hollow soul?

I pick through the ashes,
No survivors,
Only reminders,
Of days when bliss and sorrow were as refreshing as icy rain,
Of chances received and forgotten,
But tangible.

Apathy will suffocate you.
Are you fighting? I'm fighting,
But we're still sinking.

You're dragging me under but I refuse to release myself.
Hope is still alive, because we are.

Frustration, desperation, as I kick towards the surface.
Come back with me.

I need you.

The light is fading,
Soon I won't know which direction I must battle towards.
Murky water scars my eyes.

Please!

The thudding of my mind,
The burning of my lungs.
Pain is needles of fire, searing each muscle.
Oxygen, life, is what I crave.
But there is no life without you.

If you sink, I follow.

Don't feel guilty,
It's my choice,
It's my destiny.

Bubbles, my last pieces of hope,
Slip from my mouth,
Refusing to take my fate.

Our fate.

Numbness.

Eternal silence.

The consequence of love,
Ill-placed.

[comments] => 4 [counter] => 501 [topic] => 75 [informant] => felicitous [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 9 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => anguished )

Concentual Homicide

Contributed by felicitous on Thursday, 26th January 2006 @ 09:14:22 AM in AEST
Topic: anguished

Strength in my tears,
Purity in my intentions,
When did misery become a bi-product of love?

I feel; I feel everything.
Intensity is taken for granted.
I know you love me with all of you,
But is that enough? Is it anything at all?
Will I find a hollow soul?

I pick through the ashes,
No survivors,
Only reminders,
Of days when bliss and sorrow were as refreshing as icy rain,
Of chances received and forgotten,
But tangible.

Apathy will suffocate you.
Are you fighting? I'm fighting,
But we're still sinking.

You're dragging me under but I refuse to release myself.
Hope is still alive, because we are.

Frustration, desperation, as I kick towards the surface.
Come back with me.

I need you.

The light is fading,
Soon I won't know which direction I must battle towards.
Murky water scars my eyes.

Please!

The thudding of my mind,
The burning of my lungs.
Pain is needles of fire, searing each muscle.
Oxygen, life, is what I crave.
But there is no life without you.

If you sink, I follow.

Don't feel guilty,
It's my choice,
It's my destiny.

Bubbles, my last pieces of hope,
Slip from my mouth,
Refusing to take my fate.

Our fate.

Numbness.

Eternal silence.

The consequence of love,
Ill-placed.

Copyright © felicitous ... [ 2006-01-26 09:14:22]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Concentual Homicide (User Rating: 1 )
by Candice on Thursday, 26th January 2006 @ 11:12:57 AM AEST
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Nicely written and you captured mis placed love in a distructive relationship beautifully
Welcome to the site me dears x

Re: Concentual Homicide (User Rating: 1 )
by TheSpiritx on Saturday, 28th January 2006 @ 10:18:58 PM AEST
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What an interesting first poem.

First off, don't apologize for free verse! (rofl - it's my dominant style)

Anyhow, when rhyming is lacking, content must make up for it. Yours does that quite well. You bring the reader in to the poem through an active vocabulary and phrasing and maintain attention through the poem with the varying stanza lengths and vivid conceptualization.

I like the ending lines, too. I was pondering suggestions for improvement down at the bottom, but I think, given the style you used, it is a good finish.

Overall, a wonderful poem. I am glad you discussed hope in here - it's my favorite concept... and very powerful.

TSX

Re: Concentual Homicide (User Rating: 1 )
by Leslie on Wednesday, 22nd February 2006 @ 10:38:12 AM AEST
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I read all your poems today. You are a good and emotional writer. You can use this outlet as a way to deal with those difficult feelings. I know I may be in the minority but I also feel that one needs to turn to their God for help in dealing with the hardships of life. It has sustained me through some very tough times.

Re: Concentual Homicide (User Rating: 1 )
by Spike on Friday, 21st April 2006 @ 09:41:08 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

A powerful and pain-forged description about how overwhelming and enveloping relationships can be - even to the point of self-sacrifice. Flowed well, good structure. Impressive first post.

Spike

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