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Array
(
[sid] => 114258
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => My true feelings
[time] => 2006-02-04 21:45:28
[hometext] => The way i feel everyday , every word here is true
[bodytext] => Worryin that imma lose you hurtin me so bad, but how can you lose suttin you neva really had, dreamin of the day when you'll come and save me, wishin errone would just let us be, sometimes i ask the lord why he picked me and you, confused so bad dont know what im gonna do, love is blindin my thoughts your all that i can think of, tryna convince my self that i once had your love, the guy that i fell in love wit is really slowly fadin, but its my self that i've began hatin, Wish there was a way that none of us would get hurt, dont want you to think i hate you i'd rather eat dirt, holdin in all the anger and all of the tears, just tryna be strong and just wait 2 more years, but its not as easy as i thought it would be, neva thought i would give you my heart and the key, prayin ta god to take some of this hurt that i feel, neva thought i would fall so hard for you fa real, i just thought you looked good and you acted okay, but then i got to know by talkin to you errday, started thinkin **** the rules i could date who eva i please, started sneakin around and i did it wit so much ease, but i guess you've changed ya mind and ya thinkin clearly now, but i really hope its not another love you've found, dont think my heart can take another break, theres only so much stuff that can be fixed by duct tape, just tryna live each day makin as much good choices that is possible, but my anger keeps on rising i dont think that its stoppable, in my head im seein you wit another girl, slowly and slowly its ruinin my world, my insecurity is tearin at my brain, i can see that you think i like otha boys and how its causin you pain, but boo i'd neva do anything like that to you, and i really hope you wouldnt do anything to me like that too, tryna figure out why i can neva break your heart, even when you **** me off the answer's still in the dark, tryna remember we're not together and that you said you loved me, but thats the problem loved its love wit a d, and im not sure you still have those feelings or your just hidin them from me, gotta be strong cuz i dont want you to see me like this, tryin so hard to keep my hands balled up in fist, tryin not to hurt my self even thought im hurt enough, now i know why i tried to steer clear of love, you cause the one you love hurt but you dont do it on purpose, hopin that there would be no one else that hurts like this, tears streamin down my face and i can feel them against my lips, lookin up as if i can see god frownin down on what imma bout to do; this reachin for my knife and makin a few slits, one two three four going for fifths, thinkin of what i wish my life was like, blood drippin down to my elbows puttin back my knife, sittin there not feelin a thing heart is hurtin too bad, all i can think is "baby im so sorry and i hope your not mad" eyes are slowly closing as i take my last breath, "i love you so much" is what i whisper as i finally reach death. No i didnt really die but its what keeps replayin in my mind, what i want to do so bad but instead im hopin things will get better wit time, all i know is that theres only so much i can really take, until my last bit of self control leaves and breaks, you really dont know me as well as you thought you did or didnt, no one really knows me because my feelings are always hidden, i always let my anger go when no ones around, dont want to be the one who hurts someone or the reason another dead body is found, lettin my mind run free instead of thinking of the pain, only let my tears go when im out side in the rain, wishin i could lookin in your eyes one last time, feelin the warmth of your hand inside of mine, my worlds growin dark as i lock the emotion out, just for you i'll try not to do sumthin dum but i doubt it.... being ignored by ya family doesnt help neither, only time they really care is when im sick or runnin a high fever, they say that they love me but i dont really think its true, sometime i wanna tell them they can all kiss my but thats suttin im not gonna do, they really dont know how much i really do for them, i never tell them what i really feel towards them, hold in my anger and maybe thats why i have a problem, im tryna get help find some way that i can solve them, not alot of people know that i have a bad temper, and not alot of people believe me when i tell them, its cuz i hold it in but lately i've felt i cant do it no more, so much hurt built up inside me i just want to start knockin on gods door, tell him i dont want to live he can give someone else my life, i dont think they could deal wit it either cuz its really not that nice, i used to ignore it everytime something would go bad, in my mind go somewhere else that wasnt sad, used to stare out the window and entertain my self for hours, never wanted to leave the bathroom or get out of the shower, its the only place i could think of that my problems wouldnt get me, tried to stay out side so that my problems could wander free, but it never really worked thats why i keep them bottled up, but lately they've been escaping getting too many problems all at once, getting headaches every day so i started sleepin more, dream of a place where i wouldnt hurt no more, but when i wake up everyday sometimes im disapointed, i dont want to see the light of day or the worries that come wit it, just want to live a happy life where nothing ever goes wrong, just want to be wit the people i love and sit wit them all day long, but i know that'll never happen so im just askin for a little more help, just need to control my temper and let my problems work out themselves, i'll try harder and harder so i can make sure theres one thing i can do, wanna know what it is ? prove my love to you! [comments] => 0 [counter] => 140 [topic] => 21 [informant] => missycruz2005 [notes] => Mod 9 2/04/06 bleep words. Please bleep the whole word. Thanks [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Lifepoems )
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