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Breathe
Contributed by
true
on
Monday, 16th October 2006 @ 11:13:28 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
My hearts racing
Steady beat of a war drum
Breathe in
Breathe out
Something stirs
Within me
Within the darkness
I hear a scrape
Foot on stone
Breathe in
Breathe out
The steady drip of water
In the darkness
I cant see
I can hear something moving
Coming closer
Barely audible over my own breath
Breathe in
Breathe out
Panic wells
Its getting closer
Closer
Closer
It wont find me
It cant find me
Breathe in
Breathe out
Closer
A low snarl
It knows Im near
It can hear me breathing
Breathe in
Breathe out
It can hear my heart
Steady beat of a war drum
Breathe in
Breathe out
Its so close
I can feel its heat
Sense its presence
I can hear it
Breathe in
Breathe out
I should run
Run away
Run into the light
Breathe in
Breathe out
But it will catch me
I will stumble in the darkness
But it will not
It can see me
It can hear me
Breathe in
Breathe out
Steady beat of a war drum
Its my only chance
Breathe in
Breathe out
Too late
Copyright ©
true
... [
2006-10-16 11:13:28]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Breathe
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 16th October 2006 @ 11:18:26 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| Breathe is good yah very good suspense like lots |
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Re: Breathe
(User Rating: 1 )
by doug on
Monday, 16th October 2006 @ 06:18:21 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
That was pretty cool. I like the way
you built the tension higher and
higher until the snap ending. I
noticed other tricks you used and
I think they were all effective in
placing the readers mind directly
into the situation described. I
found myself eager to know the
outcome. Great work. Truly , Doug |
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Re: Breathe
(User Rating: 1 )
by lord_sogi on
Monday, 16th April 2007 @ 11:53:32 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Reminds me of 300, when the man was facing the wolf. The fear heightened his senses, but instead of panic he used it against the wolf, on here, the sense of panic was shown rather well, and as you described in more and more detail, it showed how his mind was racing through thoughts with a heightened sense. So well done, bravo. |
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Re: Breathe
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 10th December 2008 @ 09:27:36 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
i like the suspense you created with this one. you used an interesting structure as well, which i think worked very well. good work.
-phil |
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