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(
[sid] => 138551
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Despair
[time] => 2007-11-16 08:48:10
[hometext] => Well this is my first poem, I am not much of a poetry writer I guess, but I am quite curious what others think about this poem. It is about being lost in thoughts of broken love. I would really like some response, and thanks for reading it.
[bodytext] => My first poem - Despair
A lone soul walks the streets, carrying a burden no one seeks.
Fooled by the one it once trusted, drawn to the fact that its life was readjusted.
Through the gates of hope it once rushed, sadly - times have changed and now in ruins… it lies crushed.
Heartbroken - awoken of the blindness, the curse that once lied in the words of kindness.
Memories it tried to forget, erase them from the mind with no luck yet.
They assembled a tower of pain inside, bringing up thoughts of suicide.
As the visions of the past in mind sneak, sadly - prospects were bleak.
Bereavement - to what extent, years it could count of the torment.
Now it was suffering in agonies of pain, for it’ the future was bane.
Its life is in woes, covered by clouds of sadness the cold wind blows.
Depression drips like water from its eyes, in the ocean of disaster the tears supplies.
Lost - for what cost, the joy of love was tossed.
The soul that once seeks love… was forsaken from above.
The altar of dreams that was forged by passion… was not there to help the lost soul… showing no compassion.
Life must go on however it leaves a scar so deep, giving an endless weep.
- Mark.
[comments] => 6
[counter] => 257
[topic] => 22
[informant] => Saft
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 9
[ratings] => 2
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => LostLove
)
Despair
Contributed by
Saft
on
Friday, 16th November 2007 @ 08:48:10 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
My first poem - Despair
A lone soul walks the streets, carrying a burden no one seeks.
Fooled by the one it once trusted, drawn to the fact that its life was readjusted.
Through the gates of hope it once rushed, sadly - times have changed and now in ruins… it lies crushed.
Heartbroken - awoken of the blindness, the curse that once lied in the words of kindness.
Memories it tried to forget, erase them from the mind with no luck yet.
They assembled a tower of pain inside, bringing up thoughts of suicide.
As the visions of the past in mind sneak, sadly - prospects were bleak.
Bereavement - to what extent, years it could count of the torment.
Now it was suffering in agonies of pain, for it’ the future was bane.
Its life is in woes, covered by clouds of sadness the cold wind blows.
Depression drips like water from its eyes, in the ocean of disaster the tears supplies.
Lost - for what cost, the joy of love was tossed.
The soul that once seeks love… was forsaken from above.
The altar of dreams that was forged by passion… was not there to help the lost soul… showing no compassion.
Life must go on however it leaves a scar so deep, giving an endless weep.
- Mark.
Copyright ©
Saft
... [
2007-11-16 08:48:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Despair
(User Rating: 1 )
by Rico on
Friday, 16th November 2007 @ 10:35:48 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Your First poem is a good one!! Continue to write, just keep in mind dont try hard, it doesnt have to ryme or make since, all it is there for is to release your thoughts. Try this----Instead of thinking obout what you are going to write just write....think of a topic for instince Despair , or lost love. Think about how it would feel what someone would think.
Sit down and free type what ever comes to your mind. All poems are good as long as they release the feelings the writer had.....Read some of mine to get an idea if you want....but Despair was a good read...
Rico~ www.myspace.com/keepthyfaith |
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Re: Despair
(User Rating: 1 )
by Gravehorn on
Friday, 16th November 2007 @ 01:38:36 PM AEST
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Not bad, but I think you should divide the lines up so that the word that rhymes is at the end.
ex.
"A lone soul walks the streets
carrying a burden no one seeks."
also, think about rhythem when you write it. Nothing interupts a poem more than words that down flow together properly.
I completely disagree with the other person's comment. Just writing what comes to mind is not amusing to other people. People dont read poetry for the fragmented outpour of broken emotion. It may be good as an expression for yourself, but a well sounding poem with proper rhyme and rhythm is much better. You can pour your thoughts all out at once, but from those fragmented thoughts, etch and edit them into beautiful words.
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Re: Despair
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadheadpoet on
Friday, 16th November 2007 @ 02:02:09 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Hey Mark,
Great write, but I'm no poetic expert. *smiles* I like how you penned this with the words Heartbroken, Bereavement, and Lost put separately. The message here is easy to relate to when one's heart has been broken. Your last line was very touching...
"Life must go on however it leaves a scar so deep, giving an endless weep"
I've a few scars myself. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing, the more you write, the more it will all come together for you and you'll feel more comfortable with your writing abilities.
Much peace,
Laura |
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Re: Despair
(User Rating: 1 )
by Saft on
Saturday, 17th November 2007 @ 01:33:40 AM AEST
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Actually I did give this poem a lot of consideration. Reflecting how I experience when you lose someone you love. I must apologize if my poem continues some forms of grammar-mistakes since I am from Denmark, and have only got the normal hours of studying in English –even though that English/American is quite A must in Denmark, as secondary language. Anyway this is my first poem, and I do not look or act like a man who put any form of interest in poetry, however I enjoy to write music and create something creative that others might find joyful of some sort. In other words, it pleases me to hear that some of you enjoyed my short first-time poem.
Yet' I still have a large text that explain the meaning of this poem - and why I did choose to pick the exact words and why I did write the poem as I did. But I am not sure where I should post that information, since it is quite long. I guess some beginners might find it useful - according to inspiration and initiative. |
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Re: Despair
(User Rating: 1 )
by Saft on
Saturday, 17th November 2007 @ 01:43:22 AM AEST
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Anyway, I guess I'll let the reader draw his/her own picture out of this.
But I have put a lot in the 3 words:
Heartbroken
Bereavement
Lost
Then I decided to add a small touch of imagination using metaphors like:
Gates of Hope
Tower of Pain
Clouds of sadness
Ocean of disaster
Altar of dreams (forged by passion)
And then the poem starts and ends with this lost soul - Despair.
Then I did hope, that the readers will be able to reflect to personal feelings and experience according to my explanation of what a lost soul is going through.
- Thank you very much for the replies. |
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Re: Despair
(User Rating: 1 )
by JamesStockdale on
Friday, 30th March 2018 @ 03:38:54 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Great poem Mark! Very impressive! |
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