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(
[sid] => 140033
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Uneponymous
[time] => 2008-01-26 19:09:35
[hometext] => I started this roughly two years ago. Since, I have edited, rewritten, and promptly cut all but the first two stanzas below. What follows has been bouncing around my head for awhile, and I squirmed it out now. Brutal criticism is greatly appreciated.
[bodytext] => _____________________
To open wounds and relive dreams of long gone better days
A sliver shivers down your heart you claim that it's okay
The sliver grows as you well know and leaves behind a trail
Of twisted truths and pointless proofs inside you know we've failed
So bleach the color from a rose, and what do you have left?
A poet's soul and withered voice that's still articulate
A hidden beauty now in bloom but locked away inside
A glimmer of the sun to those who know it never shines
However strong a heart may be it one day will get caught
And stop and break from smiles and aches and reminiscent thought
A now dislodging sliver grasps and flails about the air
Regressing to a bouyant view just false enough to bear
[comments] => 6
[counter] => 388
[topic] => 43
[informant] => high_on_duct_tape
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 29
[ratings] => 6
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => oops
)
Uneponymous
Contributed by
high_on_duct_tape
on
Saturday, 26th January 2008 @ 07:09:35 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
_____________________
To open wounds and relive dreams of long gone better days
A sliver shivers down your heart you claim that it's okay
The sliver grows as you well know and leaves behind a trail
Of twisted truths and pointless proofs inside you know we've failed
So bleach the color from a rose, and what do you have left?
A poet's soul and withered voice that's still articulate
A hidden beauty now in bloom but locked away inside
A glimmer of the sun to those who know it never shines
However strong a heart may be it one day will get caught
And stop and break from smiles and aches and reminiscent thought
A now dislodging sliver grasps and flails about the air
Regressing to a bouyant view just false enough to bear
Copyright ©
high_on_duct_tape
... [
2008-01-26 19:09:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Uneponymous
(User Rating: 1 )
by Poetic_Punk on
Sunday, 27th January 2008 @ 01:32:21 AM AEST
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| Great poem, nice use of language and a lot of feeling in it, sucks you in and doesn't let you go, great job, love it |
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Re: Uneponymous
(User Rating: 1 )
by JohnYamrus on
Sunday, 27th January 2008 @ 04:00:06 AM AEST
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while i hate rhyme, thinking it usually to be a crutch for the uninspired, i can still appreciate when it's done well...and you've done it remarkably well. there's not one bit of doggerel here and your choice of words is exceptional. my one criticism, however, is your deciding to forego punctuation. you seem to forget that basically readers are dummies and need to be led by the nose so that they arrive at the conclusion you've prepared for them. you've got to understand that readers read from habit...the eye is trained from childhood to stop at a period and pause at a comma...with you choosing not to use any punctuation the reader just plows right thru your poem from beginning to end, losing much of the flavor and intensity generated by your fine poem. sure, YOU, as the writer know on first reading when and where to pause (giving the reader opportunity to think about and savor the words), but the casual reader doesn't have a clue.
basically, as the writer, you MUST use all the tools in your bag in order to make your point as effectively as possible. whether it's by using some odd and unusual way of laying your poem out on the page or your use of silence, or (as in this case) the use of punctuation, you've got to take advantage of everything at your disposal. most frequently, where choosing NOT to use punctuation works best is when the writer lays the poem out on the page in something other than a traditional format...basically, you're SUBSTITUTING your layout for the punctuation. poems, no matter how wild or vague or simple or complex they may be, are LOGICAL things. people may pretend they're not...they may say "i'm an artist! i write from inspiration, directly onto the page!" that's bull*****. the greatest artists...even if it's only unconsciously...are still making decisions that effect their work.
anyway, you sound like you have a clue. feel free to contact me if you'd care to continue this thought.
yamrus |
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Re: Uneponymous
(User Rating: 1 )
by Tweeky on
Sunday, 27th January 2008 @ 12:13:53 PM AEST
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I followed the word's well . A nicely written poem .well done.
Claire
xx |
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Re: Uneponymous
(User Rating: 1 )
by Live2Die on
Thursday, 13th March 2008 @ 04:28:58 PM AEST
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I had your original version of this saved on my computer ever since you first sent it to me. Then my computer crashed, and I no longer have it, which makes me terribly sad.
I love the first two stanzas. I always have. They drag me in and just won't unleash me, I've never been sure why.
In the third stanza, I don't like the word "get". I don't know, it seems a bit...out of place. "Be" may be a better substitute. |
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Re: Uneponymous
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on
Friday, 28th March 2008 @ 06:00:24 AM AEST
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Right now I'm thinking of what criticism I could provide to help you with your revision...but before I can do that I have to fully absorb this poem. My first reaction is...I love it! It's deep, inquisitive, thoughtful, surreal, sensual...it is a wave of emotion that inspires all sorts of recollections, those subtle moments of experience that while are mostly unnoticed, provide the keenest glimpse of what our life is at its most basic sense of being. In short, it is a great poem in that it expresses the inexpressible. Of course, I may be just feeding off of my own experience of life and view of poetry in this discussion, and so this may not have been your intention...but I am thinking out loud now.
After reading it through again...I still feel like it is great, and I don't know what else to say except what my poetry teacher last said to me..."Trust your poetry", meaning that you should trust that your poetry will express more than what you intend. We must let go, and allow the poem to work in ways we do not fully understand in order for it to go to that next level. I feel like you had something very concrete that you wanted to say, but we cannot let our preconcieved ideas hold the poem back.
I love the image of the "sliver" It is abstract enough to have the potential to touch upon the depths of our unconcious. Try using that image as a catalyst and see where your poem takes you.
Be True,
zenmind |
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Re: Uneponymous
(User Rating: 1 )
by wheels on
Saturday, 28th June 2008 @ 07:16:18 PM AEST
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Hello Solomon,
I believe a poem can have many meanings depending upon the reader – part of the beauty of poetry. Often it is fun to try to decipher the less obvious meanings when a poet has written a piece. So forgive me if I am incorrect. I see a few of different takes upon this poem myself that could be valid
The one that strikes me as very probable is that we have all too often given in to what the world has crushed us into – sealed us up in our sorrow of lost dreams and a lost voice. A person that is not but was beaten into just a eponym of a life now false. And to see from even outside ourselves a truth that reveals to us a voice we have lost within ourselves. This revelation or light of love and hope is painful in our vision of what we have become and have lost a shell– an opening of wounds revealing a pain that in itself has become dull. The criticism, deceit, pain, or lies leading us a path where now withered away exists a soul that has a voice that has been closed within though once it shined. And then the world may trap a heart regardless of how free and strong breaking it and losing a voice again to what was a moment of hope a moment of love to be lost and again viewed numbly from outside yourself once again a eponym that had moment to want but more – uneponymous.
Though I may be wrong, I definitely get a feel of numbness of passive resolve-acceptance of what has become and of a numb sadness with which to bear it
The only criticism I can offer:
The last stanza should have a coma or a break of some sort (your choice - i often use a pause such as "...") to show the pause between “be” and” it” for easier flow upon the read. Though I do not agree with the criticism that strict adherence to punctuation is so important – only what is needed to help the flow, meter, or pause when read. I do not agree with the assessment on the word “get” – it is a better choice than a repetitive “be” (just 5 words prior in the same breath of phrase– yes, it may seem more brutal upon the tongue that than word “be” but it fits and does not show repetition of use. Also, sometimes what we cut makes the poem better – I am sure you did well with your choices. Well written. (not that I am a critic – by no means)
--Kevin
The lonely vagabond
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