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Array ( [sid] => 146985 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => *Blackout As The Naiive Girl Dies* [time] => 2008-12-22 20:56:25 [hometext] => A lot is going on right now in my life and this is just a small fraction of it. Please read and comment on this as well as my other poems. Many thanks. [bodytext] => I tried to be supportive

I tried to act like I didn't care

I told you I was fine

But the feelings were still there

Did you not realize

What you were doing to me

Did love really cloud your vision so much

That my pain was so hard for you to see

You think you deserve him

Despite every plea

That spills from my mouth

It's too bad that he deserves me.

But since when do I get what I deserve?

I deserve the truth, I deserve a fighting chance

But you can't be bothered to give me at least that

Instead you brush me off without sparing a glance.

And now all that surrounds me

Are your secrets and your lies

So let me finish your happy ending like this...

*blackout as the naiive girl dies*

[comments] => 2 [counter] => 205 [topic] => 43 [informant] => ell_03 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 3 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => oops )

*Blackout As The Naiive Girl Dies*

Contributed by ell_03 on Monday, 22nd December 2008 @ 08:56:25 PM in AEST
Topic: oops

I tried to be supportive

I tried to act like I didn't care

I told you I was fine

But the feelings were still there

Did you not realize

What you were doing to me

Did love really cloud your vision so much

That my pain was so hard for you to see

You think you deserve him

Despite every plea

That spills from my mouth

It's too bad that he deserves me.

But since when do I get what I deserve?

I deserve the truth, I deserve a fighting chance

But you can't be bothered to give me at least that

Instead you brush me off without sparing a glance.

And now all that surrounds me

Are your secrets and your lies

So let me finish your happy ending like this...

*blackout as the naiive girl dies*

Copyright © ell_03 ... [ 2008-12-22 20:56:25]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: *Blackout As The Naiive Girl Dies* (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 23rd December 2008 @ 12:41:01 PM AEST
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oh dear, tragic ending, but powerful. it was all very powerful and passionate. good writing.

-phil

Re: *Blackout As The Naiive Girl Dies* (User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on Wednesday, 24th December 2008 @ 02:50:19 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

To begin with, isn't it a little presumptuous to ask for the reader to comment on "this as well as" your other work, when you haven't done much commenting yourself? This is a give-and-take community, the best way to get more input is to give it.

As for the poem, I don't think the lack of punctuation helps, there is very little natural flow. You might benefit from trying to say less, and taking more thought as to what you do say. One key thing with poetry is what's not said - a poet doesn't "tell it" to the reader. The poet uses imagery (preferably something coherent, not just a scrambled bunch of images) to evoke what needs to be communicated. Think of evoke like invoke - it's almost as if you have to call up something by means of something else. The less a poem is about you, the better the reader is able to discern your real attributes. What we tell, we have missed the opportunity of truly communicating in a way that is memorable.

- A

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