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Der Schlafschleier
Contributed by
Onslaught
on
Thursday, 23rd April 2009 @ 03:21:58 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Only the chemicals in our head
Seperate us from what is dead
Nothing is made right
This Sorry fight
A Chemical dance
Reflex Romance
To begin again
That eternal spin
My thoughts
An aberration of equation
Nothing random
On the building blocks of deceit
What lies beneath
Mankind
Portal pathways
Lulling us gently to sleep
A nightmare of illusions
I cry
Lost in a make-believe world
Copyright ©
Onslaught
... [
2009-04-23 03:21:58]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Der Schlafschleier
(User Rating: 1 )
by Matariel on
Thursday, 23rd April 2009 @ 04:53:50 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Hm. While I disagree with the poems premise, poetry is meant to convey the feelings of the writer; so I actually found it to be an awesome poem, though sad. I'm interested, what made you choose the title "The Sleep Veil" (Der Schafschleier)? And why did you pick German? |
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Re: Der Schlafschleier
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Thursday, 23rd April 2009 @ 10:56:20 PM AEST
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Intentionally or not, the last line seems like a break in syntax from what goes before it, and that makes it fall a little flat for me. Some slight tinkering with the flow of syntax may be needed, maybe a different word choice or two. Other than that, I liked it a lot. Very stylishly-worded and well-rhymed.
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