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Array ( [sid] => 152284 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Untitled/Unfinished [time] => 2009-08-16 13:04:16 [hometext] => It's a work in progress. I don't like it yet, but I like parts. All comments (Good & Bad) are appreciated. [bodytext] => I scratch my eyes
to bleed real tears.
Crucified dreams
Resurrect my fears.

All the Misogyny
that can fit in a world
Pinpointed at
an innocent girl.

All the beautiful memories
I drank away
Because my temper of gold
couldn't make her stay

[comments] => 2 [counter] => 149 [topic] => 21 [informant] => ghostofandy [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 9 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Lifepoems )

UntitledUnfinished

Contributed by ghostofandy on Sunday, 16th August 2009 @ 01:04:16 PM in AEST
Topic: Lifepoems

I scratch my eyes
to bleed real tears.
Crucified dreams
Resurrect my fears.

All the Misogyny
that can fit in a world
Pinpointed at
an innocent girl.

All the beautiful memories
I drank away
Because my temper of gold
couldn't make her stay

Copyright © ghostofandy ... [ 2009-08-16 13:04:16]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: UntitledUnfinished (User Rating: 1 )
by orphani on Sunday, 16th August 2009 @ 01:31:35 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

as a raw work this is a very good start.
i personally don't lean tward ryhme
line 7 is weak
line 11 very strong, this line to me means wealth.a few tweaks could notch this poem up.
and always love what loves you.
gl
o

Re: UntitledUnfinished (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Monday, 17th August 2009 @ 10:21:07 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

It's pretty good. Something about the last line is niggling me. I think it's probably one syllable too long. Here is one suggestion of how you could word it:

'All the beautiful memories
I drank away
Despite my temper of gold
She did not stay. '

See what you think.

-Phil

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