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Array
(
[sid] => 32728
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Just release me from the pain
[time] => 2004-01-26 03:27:51
[hometext] => after a long battle, and an entire year of being clean of cutting, yesterday this was how I genuinely felt. If not for Katie, I wouldn't be here right now.
[bodytext] => I have hit the bottom, there seems to be no way up I want to be released from this pain I want to float into a peaceful dream to fly far away into a misty fog to never again know that no one's aware no one who knows, no one who cares to feel my soul take flight from this earth or maybe just to disappear my life's meant nothing, nothing but pain the anguish is too much to bear I can't take any more, no more expectations I can't smile and say oh it'll all be ok they think i'm so strong, and yet i'm so weak i don't know how to deal with this anguish i'm in the fear, the anger, the hatred, the pain it's all overcome me and driven me insane i can't understand why i've fought for so long when the answer is there and has been all along i haven't meant anything to anyone else and those that i love just ignored my affection most of the people i cared for the most have turned my love against me and hurt me i don't have the desire to go through any more there's nothing to gain, there's no reason to live i see no escape from this hell that i live in but the blade and the blood would make everything fade and i would feel no more pain, except for the physical i'd be released from the head games and lies and life would continue, for all but me but my life wasn't life, not as it was meant to be my only problem is i don't want her to cry i don't want to cause her love and heart to die she's been there for me, and i love her so much what i wouldn't give to be released by her touch she is the reason i'm alive right now until i have her permission, i must live on some how until i know that she'll live on and be happy there's nothing i can do to hurt her she means the world to me, and i refuse to cause her pain her life means so much, she has everything to gain and yet she cares for me? how can it be so when all else in my life has been hell to know and so i wait silently, with tears on my face my arms unscathed, the knife still awaits and i wait till she wakes, till we can talk and hopefully then, she'll be a rock i hope she says no, i hope she refuses i just don't want to have her make excuses the only thing left in my life that i love is a thousand miles away, sent here from above and yet, is there really anything up there is there anyone who listens? anyone who cares? i have not seen it, if he/she exists which is part of what makes me think i'll not be missed they go about their lives, believing in God but when it comes to "love thy neighbor" they grin and nod and then get in fights, and hate and despise they don't believe that i see what's in their eyes the looks that i've gotten, the hatred i've felt there are too many bad hands that i've played and been dealt i can't take any more, the pain is too much what i wouldn't give to be released by her touch [comments] => 1 [counter] => 192 [topic] => 36 [informant] => KittyVamp [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => Suicide )
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