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Judgments of a Well Being
Contributed by
coaster
on
Thursday, 13th May 2004 @ 07:03:15 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
All senses will flow on towards my dream
Manipulating the minds of only the supreme
Through your eyes, dazed by what you've seen
Colors of the air may only tint towards green
Only bound to take chances whether I have a queen or pawn
One of fifty-two chances my card will be drawn
From the height of night until the tip of dawn
Taking advantage of my own mind only so I can spawn
Joined together at the point at which feelings are sublime
Travel through our given space and travel back in time
And as if it is at which our souls will begin to compare
Look through places at which our senses would never dare
All the waves will only come in through with no motion
The air will only begin to spread as we release the potion
Outbreak the pressure of what I once would conceal
Divide my mind into fiction and what is unreal
Copyright ©
coaster
... [
2004-05-13 19:03:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Judgments of a Well Being
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 13th May 2004 @ 07:21:11 PM AEST
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It is interesting, but to me it lacks structure any basis of solid thought. I could see where you were trying to go, you just never got there. Keep trying.
Rita |
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Re: Judgments of a Well Being
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 14th May 2004 @ 07:32:01 AM AEST
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I'll second what Rita says, and show you somethings that stuck out.
"And as if it is at which our souls will begin to compare"
This line is a bit turgid to read through. I would suggest something like;
"And our souls, within this juncture, with comparison, compare . . . Looking . . ."
I liked this line, however.
"One of fifty-two chances my card will be drawn"
It plays upon chance with a relative image. I appreciate that. At other points within this piece, the rhythm does lag, like in the line quoted previous, but with practice, encouragement and by reading others' work, you can come back to this one, or pen something similar with greater fluidity.
Thanks for writing. |
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Re: Judgments of a Well Being
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 6th June 2004 @ 12:18:39 AM AEST
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| this poem had a really nice flow and rhyme scheme. |
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Re: Judgments of a Well Being
(User Rating: 1 )
by sweetangeluk on
Sunday, 6th June 2004 @ 01:36:55 PM AEST
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Well i must say I really enjoyed your poem
Wonderful
Love Angelxxxxx |
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