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Array ( [sid] => 64657 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => untitled [time] => 2004-09-21 19:20:26 [hometext] => comment are wanted [bodytext] => I was leaved alone by you
You could have at least gave me a tissue

You said things that could never come to mind
And you put that person behind

You made people think it true or not
You don’t care you wanted a story so hot

From all the people you chose me
Decided to play a very dirty trick on me

You asked me out
And you said I was really hot you could stop checking me out

After few you days you said goodbye
I couldn’t think for a reason why

You laughed and called me fool
And you thought it was very cool

Thanks that all I’ll say
I am not like other girls who’ll make you pay

I’ll walk away and try to forgot
and my lessen was learned and taught
[comments] => 2 [counter] => 194 [topic] => 48 [informant] => bebe20071 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 6 [ratings] => 2 [editpoem] => 0 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )

untitled

Contributed by bebe20071 on Tuesday, 21st September 2004 @ 07:20:26 PM in AEST
Topic: EmotionalPoetry

I was leaved alone by you
You could have at least gave me a tissue

You said things that could never come to mind
And you put that person behind

You made people think it true or not
You don’t care you wanted a story so hot

From all the people you chose me
Decided to play a very dirty trick on me

You asked me out
And you said I was really hot you could stop checking me out

After few you days you said goodbye
I couldn’t think for a reason why

You laughed and called me fool
And you thought it was very cool

Thanks that all I’ll say
I am not like other girls who’ll make you pay

I’ll walk away and try to forgot
and my lessen was learned and taught

Copyright Â© bebe20071 ... [ 2004-09-21 19:20:26]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: untitled (User Rating: 1 )
by norticus on Tuesday, 21st September 2004 @ 08:24:27 PM AEST
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There is something to be said for spelling and grammar. Beyond that, there isn't a whole lot of creativity, just an angry little rambling poem about your regret and anger. I think you could use some more heartbreak and a few more books. I give this a 2.2 on the Nortiscale.
norticus

Re: untitled (User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on Tuesday, 21st September 2004 @ 10:50:34 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

constructive criticism:check for grammar and spellings. your piece is choppy, the rhythym changes. you are so focused on rhymes that you force them to make your verses strange or just look childish. i can too be faulted for doing this. and your last stanza is skewed because its forget and not forgot so therefor your entire piece doesnt even keep up with rhymes which also lessens the greatness of this. of course i to, am faulted for everything i am telling you, its just constructive criticism so it doesnt bother me if you listen or not.

the emotional side of this was powerful however, and i liked that. keep up the good work.

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