|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
Your First Date Awaits...
Contributed by
WakeNsnoWboarder
on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 12:50:43 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Here's to another afternoon, evening and night alone
I'll give toast to the feeling in this beautiful poem
The words in my mouth clash with thoughts on my mind
They collide with great fury and out comes a rhythm
I'm thinking with you this life would be great
But I'm saying so long, your not worth the wait
Certain characteristics about you make me smile
Then I realize your as fake as me only less vile
I know I could treat you like the princess you are
But it would be way too much effort for ultimately a scar
A permanent mark for a momental feeling
Written on my heart the second your leaving
I guess I'm thinking too much and too far ahead
I should put my mind away and follow my heart instead
I'll put down the pen, take a deep breath and try not to be late
After all that would be a terrible impression on our first date
Copyright ©
WakeNsnoWboarder
... [
2004-10-02 00:50:43]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: Your First Date Awaits...
(User Rating: 1 )
by SilentSuffering on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 01:12:20 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Aw that's a great poem! I really liked the idea of it and you've got some great rhymes in there. I've always loved a clever rhyme and you certainly have some in there.
A few pointers I could give would probably be to replace some of the "your"s with "you're"s, (just some grammatical stuff) and there were also several lines in there that just didn't quite flow right with the rest of the poem.
The example line would probably be:
"But it would be way too much effort for ultimately a scar."
It just doesn't quite fit with the line before it.
But otherwise my extreme compliments! Keep up the great work!
Take care, hang in there and God bless!
~SilentSuffering~
|
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Site Help
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
