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Array ( [sid] => 80412 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => You [time] => 2005-01-18 13:38:55 [hometext] => Again, I need some thoughtful criticism. Keep in mind, I'm just an inquisitive high school sophomore. [bodytext] => As lovely as ancient prose
Beauty of a midnight rose
How I long to see your face
And to end this lifelong race

Guiding me on my journey true
Across the oceans blue
The memory of you that day
Lovely as the month of May

Soon I will see you there
And give you all the love I bear
This I ask to you
Do you feel the same way too? [comments] => 4 [counter] => 141 [topic] => 2 [informant] => Cagedsoul [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 10 [ratings] => 3 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => LovePoetry )

You

Contributed by Cagedsoul on Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 01:38:55 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

As lovely as ancient prose
Beauty of a midnight rose
How I long to see your face
And to end this lifelong race

Guiding me on my journey true
Across the oceans blue
The memory of you that day
Lovely as the month of May

Soon I will see you there
And give you all the love I bear
This I ask to you
Do you feel the same way too?

Copyright © Cagedsoul ... [ 2005-01-18 13:38:55]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: You (User Rating: 1 )
by CurtisC on Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 01:45:26 PM AEST
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you got a good idea, but it might help if you added some descriptive words in front of nouns, like say......how i long to see your precious or beautiful face, that can really help a poem along. very good write though, keep it up :)

Curtis

Re: You (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 01:57:14 PM AEST
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I really liked this I love the line,"As lovely as ancient prose." Good write

Re: You (User Rating: 1 )
by breny on Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 04:31:11 PM AEST
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hmm...I definatly agree with Curtis on this one. sometimes when you descibe feelings and emotions more it really draws in the reader.
i liked it alot but there is something missing and i can't put my finger on it. sorry i couldn't be more help : (

~Brenna~

Re: You (User Rating: 1 )
by autumngreeneyes on Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 08:15:33 PM AEST
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I found nothing to be critical of..I thought it was lovely. Ior your age I think its really good. The one thing I was wondering about is in the last line..
Should it be.. This I ask of you..and not to you.. but I really don't know..I'm not really a scholar.. ..and the word bear..I think it should be bare..but again I'm not sure..

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