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Array
(
[sid] => 9155
[catid] => 1
[aid] => Mick
[title] => chili contest -- unknown author --not a poem, just funny
[time] => 2002-12-24 00:00:00
[hometext] =>
[bodytext] => Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cookoff, because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person
called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicey, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster chili Judge one: a little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge two: nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Jim: holy crapola, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one, these Texans are crazy. Chili #2: Arthur’s afterburner chili Judge one: smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge two: exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Jim: keep this out of the reach of children! Im not sure what Im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three beers when they saw the look on my face. Chili #3: Fred’s famous burn down the barn chili Judge one: excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge two: a beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Jim: call the EPA, I’ve located a toxic spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows this routine by now, more beer. I am getting *****faced. Chili #4: Bubba’s black magic Judge one: black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge two: hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish. Jim: I felt something scrape across my tongue, but I could not taste it. Sally, the bar maid, is standing behind me with refills. That 300 lb wench is starting to look HOT! Chili #5: Linda’s legal lip remover Judge one: meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge two: chili using shredded beef, could use more tomatos. Must admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Jim: my ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. It really (censored) me off those other judges told me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. I’m out of here. [comments] => 2 [counter] => 163 [topic] => 7 [informant] => darkeyedman [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 5 [ratings] => 1 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => HumorPoetry )
|
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