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Array ( [sid] => 143333 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => Releasing my heart (my true story) [time] => 2008-06-19 02:39:47 [hometext] => a understanding of why i am who i am its long and i am sorry i just have to get this off my chest as i release my heart [bodytext] => Love a word used everyday with millions knowing its meaning
I was born like any normal person in this new world buy parents who did not love each other
Mother a woman who blamed her little boy for everything that went wrong in her life
A form of abuse most people don't talk about constant yelling from morning to night all day long
Father a truck driver was never home brothers and sisters ran years before from the evil that is called mom
Alone small hiding in a closet covering ears crying screaming shut up shut up
I never loved her and no respect for the father who never came home
Starting to grow and nurture in that type of environment was hard
Many people would become violent or angry at woman
I just loved

School was always a problem being the only child who really didn't disrespect women
Or try to sleep with as many but also never loved a woman so never understanding how
Gay is what they called me
But in my heart that was not the case farthest from the truth
I was angry more at my self then any single person as to this date 34 years and never raised his fists in anger
Never hit anyone never shown abuse never scotched feelings by words
I was my worst enemy
From age eleven thatís when the first started torments from school being trapped in that house
The wrists started to bleed
All I wanted was attention but when I showed her she did not care
A little child with bleeding arms
As I grew older the pain grew it became worse I evolved into hitting trees and brick walls
Never wanting to harm anyone not even her but I new I had to run
So I did from 14 to 19 I ran on the streets
Innocent blue eyes blond hair you people cried and gave me money
You feed me and clothed me always wanting to take me away and me thank you for that
But life was something I did not want
I was destructive drugs living on the street never backing down from telling the truth but getting beaten all the same
My nose broken my teeth kicked out but you fixed that and I still walked still with love

Five years later and a newer man (still nothing but a child in mind) I returned to the house of my terror
Quiet was all that I got the guilt on the faces of those two was to much to bare I went for a drink
As much pain that happened I was always a fun guy always able to make anyone laugh
The owner of the bar noticed me and came to talk
This is when I meet you my love
You walked in to my bar the boss looked at me and smiled oh what a pig he was
He whispered I get her first
I was suppose to train her on witnessing but when we locked eyes I got my first taste of love
She was beautiful long hair deep brown eyes and I felt her heart from across the bar
We talked all night then after work we went down to your house and talked all night
She told me her story full of fright and abusive men
She also told me that she was married
Well threw my life I only had one love that was god
He was my everything he was on every word I spoke
His book told me about love and family and about adultery
But the presence in that room that night was not as simple
I fell so hard I figured friends will be good if only that
But she also was having troubles she felt the same way love at first site
We tried to be friends over a few weeks it was so hard on both of us
Then we got drunk
Love passion pure and utter ecstasy
She left her husband we moved in both religious both so much in love
Both filled with so much guilt
She only wanting to do right for god and for her family
I feeling like a demon who came house wrecking
But I was hooked it was a pure drug for me this love thing
Off and on for four years we tried you with low self esteem
Me becoming jealous because you were so use to flirting oh men lusted after you
The pain inside me never left and with this new onslaught of emotional abuse I left
Wimping out is a better meaning and I crushed her heart
I ran back to the street only now wanting to die even more the drugs almost got
But being so strong I survived only fate knows why
I smartened up and called the folks they told me she is looking for you
She went back to her husband and moved two provinces away but she left a number
When I called one of the hardest days of my life she answered with tears in her eyes
She misses me and wants no other man me I never touched one woman after leaving her
A year we were away then back again in her arms
But she was still married and her husband let me in with open arms
We tried to be friends for awhile but when love is so strong that failed so quickly
You left him again we moved got our own place and tried to begin again
But guilt never leaves when you try to walk with the lord
We survived for a year but things started to fall apart

Coming home from work and always men around
They loved her adored her but as she explained to me why worry its you I go to bed with
She did not understand the love I felt
And ran again I did I looked at her and said you will never find me again


I walked for ten years living an asexual life wanting only to help sex was the last thing on my mind
Ten years single sex I had but without meaning always leaving right after to show no signs of emotion
I found love with her and without her I did not want any other love
They called me gay
I pursued intellect and knowledge showing that you can give without taking
So alone but always with friends I never had a enemy if you sit close you can feel why
I radiate love my eyes so gentle my heart so clean
Ten years walking talking helping others when they fall never caring about my life
I settled in a city called Calgary I tried to have a normal life with a job and a home
I tried five times to take my life living there
All five I should never walked away from and the last I am sure I died
But a week of near death and I woke up and walked away


Now with a new understanding of life (it will net let me take the easy way) I started walking again
I left for a city called Victoria thatís where I found the hidden island I am living on
I found a place of love and wisdom not violence not really crime just a place of peace
All this time I was writing to the world to you yelling my woes to all who can read
From libraries and schools where they gave free internet
Never really did school spelling and grammar so alien to me but with a mind so smart
I tried my best to talk to the world but how hard to speak your mind when you don't even know how to form a sentence
I designed computers built homes living with a photographic memory never being able to forget
But can not place a damn comma
I drove you crazy like I am right now bad grammar but you still read and listened

Then last week happened a little different
I always not able to justify spending money on anything but helping others someone gave me a laptop
My friend bob he liked my writing and decided to be a nice friend
What a wonderful man
I sat there alone looking at this shinny machine my roommate asked if she could use it
She was on this site called face book a place to find lost friends
I tried it I typed her name
There on the screen my love of my life my only joy the only thing in life I truly wanted
I clicked friend request and sat and waited
She answered it and asked me to call
She told me how she got remarried a year after I left
How she lasted 7 years with this abusive man then she left only to find more abuse
She told me she was single now and living in a home for battered woman
She was also 200 miles away
For five days I waited for her to get a new place to live so I can visit
No men are allowed in that place
I left the first day of her new home it took me three hours to get there
We talked about life and the things that happened but the wall she built around her was tall and thick
It was hard listening to her talk about men all day I told her good night and I went to bed
She asked me whets wrong and I told her the truth
We cried and then we looked deep into each others eyes
I saw something in there I have not seen in all those years it was my heart
We stayed up all night holding each other no sex just closeness
Telling each other the pain from losing each other
My love as I call her she said yes baby
I told her I will never leave her again if she will only be mine true love like ours does not even happen in stories
I told her I dropped the guilt I walked away from the lord that I blame him for us splitting up she says she understands
All she cares about is us
My love you have been the only woman for me
I never showed any love to any other woman
And now your here right now
And all i am doing is releasing my heart





[comments] => 6 [counter] => 413 [topic] => 31 [informant] => lostrelic [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 35 [ratings] => 7 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => StoryPoetry )
Releasing my heart (my true story)

Contributed by lostrelic on Thursday, 19th June 2008 @ 02:39:47 AM in AEST
Topic: StoryPoetry



Love a word used everyday with millions knowing its meaning
I was born like any normal person in this new world buy parents who did not love each other
Mother a woman who blamed her little boy for everything that went wrong in her life
A form of abuse most people don't talk about constant yelling from morning to night all day long
Father a truck driver was never home brothers and sisters ran years before from the evil that is called mom
Alone small hiding in a closet covering ears crying screaming shut up shut up
I never loved her and no respect for the father who never came home
Starting to grow and nurture in that type of environment was hard
Many people would become violent or angry at woman
I just loved

School was always a problem being the only child who really didn't disrespect women
Or try to sleep with as many but also never loved a woman so never understanding how
Gay is what they called me
But in my heart that was not the case farthest from the truth
I was angry more at my self then any single person as to this date 34 years and never raised his fists in anger
Never hit anyone never shown abuse never scotched feelings by words
I was my worst enemy
From age eleven thatís when the first started torments from school being trapped in that house
The wrists started to bleed
All I wanted was attention but when I showed her she did not care
A little child with bleeding arms
As I grew older the pain grew it became worse I evolved into hitting trees and brick walls
Never wanting to harm anyone not even her but I new I had to run
So I did from 14 to 19 I ran on the streets
Innocent blue eyes blond hair you people cried and gave me money
You feed me and clothed me always wanting to take me away and me thank you for that
But life was something I did not want
I was destructive drugs living on the street never backing down from telling the truth but getting beaten all the same
My nose broken my teeth kicked out but you fixed that and I still walked still with love

Five years later and a newer man (still nothing but a child in mind) I returned to the house of my terror
Quiet was all that I got the guilt on the faces of those two was to much to bare I went for a drink
As much pain that happened I was always a fun guy always able to make anyone laugh
The owner of the bar noticed me and came to talk
This is when I meet you my love
You walked in to my bar the boss looked at me and smiled oh what a pig he was
He whispered I get her first
I was suppose to train her on witnessing but when we locked eyes I got my first taste of love
She was beautiful long hair deep brown eyes and I felt her heart from across the bar
We talked all night then after work we went down to your house and talked all night
She told me her story full of fright and abusive men
She also told me that she was married
Well threw my life I only had one love that was god
He was my everything he was on every word I spoke
His book told me about love and family and about adultery
But the presence in that room that night was not as simple
I fell so hard I figured friends will be good if only that
But she also was having troubles she felt the same way love at first site
We tried to be friends over a few weeks it was so hard on both of us
Then we got drunk
Love passion pure and utter ecstasy
She left her husband we moved in both religious both so much in love
Both filled with so much guilt
She only wanting to do right for god and for her family
I feeling like a demon who came house wrecking
But I was hooked it was a pure drug for me this love thing
Off and on for four years we tried you with low self esteem
Me becoming jealous because you were so use to flirting oh men lusted after you
The pain inside me never left and with this new onslaught of emotional abuse I left
Wimping out is a better meaning and I crushed her heart
I ran back to the street only now wanting to die even more the drugs almost got
But being so strong I survived only fate knows why
I smartened up and called the folks they told me she is looking for you
She went back to her husband and moved two provinces away but she left a number
When I called one of the hardest days of my life she answered with tears in her eyes
She misses me and wants no other man me I never touched one woman after leaving her
A year we were away then back again in her arms
But she was still married and her husband let me in with open arms
We tried to be friends for awhile but when love is so strong that failed so quickly
You left him again we moved got our own place and tried to begin again
But guilt never leaves when you try to walk with the lord
We survived for a year but things started to fall apart

Coming home from work and always men around
They loved her adored her but as she explained to me why worry its you I go to bed with
She did not understand the love I felt
And ran again I did I looked at her and said you will never find me again


I walked for ten years living an asexual life wanting only to help sex was the last thing on my mind
Ten years single sex I had but without meaning always leaving right after to show no signs of emotion
I found love with her and without her I did not want any other love
They called me gay
I pursued intellect and knowledge showing that you can give without taking
So alone but always with friends I never had a enemy if you sit close you can feel why
I radiate love my eyes so gentle my heart so clean
Ten years walking talking helping others when they fall never caring about my life
I settled in a city called Calgary I tried to have a normal life with a job and a home
I tried five times to take my life living there
All five I should never walked away from and the last I am sure I died
But a week of near death and I woke up and walked away


Now with a new understanding of life (it will net let me take the easy way) I started walking again
I left for a city called Victoria thatís where I found the hidden island I am living on
I found a place of love and wisdom not violence not really crime just a place of peace
All this time I was writing to the world to you yelling my woes to all who can read
From libraries and schools where they gave free internet
Never really did school spelling and grammar so alien to me but with a mind so smart
I tried my best to talk to the world but how hard to speak your mind when you don't even know how to form a sentence
I designed computers built homes living with a photographic memory never being able to forget
But can not place a damn comma
I drove you crazy like I am right now bad grammar but you still read and listened

Then last week happened a little different
I always not able to justify spending money on anything but helping others someone gave me a laptop
My friend bob he liked my writing and decided to be a nice friend
What a wonderful man
I sat there alone looking at this shinny machine my roommate asked if she could use it
She was on this site called face book a place to find lost friends
I tried it I typed her name
There on the screen my love of my life my only joy the only thing in life I truly wanted
I clicked friend request and sat and waited
She answered it and asked me to call
She told me how she got remarried a year after I left
How she lasted 7 years with this abusive man then she left only to find more abuse
She told me she was single now and living in a home for battered woman
She was also 200 miles away
For five days I waited for her to get a new place to live so I can visit
No men are allowed in that place
I left the first day of her new home it took me three hours to get there
We talked about life and the things that happened but the wall she built around her was tall and thick
It was hard listening to her talk about men all day I told her good night and I went to bed
She asked me whets wrong and I told her the truth
We cried and then we looked deep into each others eyes
I saw something in there I have not seen in all those years it was my heart
We stayed up all night holding each other no sex just closeness
Telling each other the pain from losing each other
My love as I call her she said yes baby
I told her I will never leave her again if she will only be mine true love like ours does not even happen in stories
I told her I dropped the guilt I walked away from the lord that I blame him for us splitting up she says she understands
All she cares about is us
My love you have been the only woman for me
I never showed any love to any other woman
And now your here right now
And all i am doing is releasing my heart









Copyright © lostrelic ... [ 2008-06-19 02:39:47]
(Date/Time posted on site)





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Re: Releasing my heart (my true story) (User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on Thursday, 19th June 2008 @ 02:57:13 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
Wow I am left stunned after reading this.
I must say what a heart wrenching write.
A love in and out of life, the streets, abuse, and still here you are shining and sharing.

Huge hugs
Michelle


Re: Releasing my heart (my true story) (User Rating: 1 )
by lostrelic on Thursday, 19th June 2008 @ 03:10:54 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
This was the hardest thing i have written but i just saw my love on Monday and my heart has not stopped crying and i am wearing my tears proud
regan


Re: Releasing my heart (my true story) (User Rating: 1 )
by wheels on Thursday, 19th June 2008 @ 05:25:58 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
Wrenching.
Nothing else matters,
no past demon
no sins,
no wrongs,
Just your love back in your heart...


Re: Releasing my heart (my true story) (User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on Thursday, 19th June 2008 @ 06:23:55 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
Awesome.
I'm so happy for you.
Stay happy.
huggs, smiles, congradulation,
emy


Re: Releasing my heart (my true story) (User Rating: 1 )
by lostrelic on Thursday, 19th June 2008 @ 10:28:20 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
i just want to tell everyone that i found her on friday i was not able to till she moved in here new place on monday i saw her for one night now its wednesday i asked her to marry me she said yes i promise to all i will marry her by next week
i love you all


Re: Releasing my heart (my true story) (User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on Thursday, 19th June 2008 @ 10:58:03 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)
You know... they say that lack of love and acceptance from one's mother in childhood makes him desperate to find it later on in a woman... but it causes as much emotional turmoil as it salves... I think they're right. That love thing... get it early on, and you're a heck of a lot more adjusted. If you don't, life isn't pretty. But I wonder if it's not worth it, making you value love that much more later on.

Makes me wonder if that kind of thing wasn't in the plans all along.

Powerful story, friend.

- A




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