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Save Her
Contributed by
Live2Die
on
Monday, 8th August 2005 @ 04:14:35 PM in AEST
Topic:
anguished
|
She's sitting on the edge
Peering over the ledge
A building of hate and doom
Around a bend, her fate looms.
She needs to be saved,
Her soul to be bathed
So pull her off the side
Dont let her hide
Something's going on
Her world is a con
Nothing can be true
And who are you?
Maybe you dont know,
Maybe her life doesnt flow
But she needs you
And that Is true.
So pull her off the side
Dont let her hide
Make her see a light,
Tell her it isnt too bright.
You saved her, shell save you
Keep you in the time you flew
Not now, but maybe then
Here then there, now back again.
Copyright ©
Live2Die
... [
2005-08-08 16:14:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 8th August 2005 @ 04:17:06 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Good write. |
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Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Monday, 8th August 2005 @ 10:31:52 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| this poem certainly does deseve more than two words. your rhymes seemed a bit forced, and your ending line needs a bit of rewording, because its awkward. your concept was excellent. i think that doing a redo of this poem concept with using first person would also turn out a great write, and it can have more emotional/powerful bits of how you got to the edge. |
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Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by THORN on
Tuesday, 9th August 2005 @ 07:50:57 AM AEST
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Not too bad, not one of your best, but like Est. said, the concept was clear and very very good.
Cheers,
-xXRayeXx |
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Re: Save Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by juliette on
Sunday, 14th August 2005 @ 02:02:18 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I also agree with Ess, and probably just like she feels wouldn't bother to tell you to work on it if it didn't have the potential that is does. There is something off about that last stanza, and there are a couple of places throughout the poem that need minor work - but you have an awesome concept here and I can feel "her" when I read this just as you've written it. As I rarely do, I challenge you to work on this - make some changes and email me the new version because I just don't want to miss it! Don't take my critisism poorly, take it to heart - you have a helluva write here!
Thanks for sharing!
juliette |
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