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Velvet Raven
Contributed by
ramfire
on
Monday, 17th October 2005 @ 10:42:16 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Velvet Raven my fawn,
braids of deepest coal black.
You are my breaking dawn,
having you would I lack?
Pretty prairie blossom,
I am sadly lonesome.
Wipe away this aching,
my heart feels for you strong.
Know not you are stealing
my thoughts all day long?
I cant eat and sleep much,
I want your close touch,
Be squaw cooking my food,
tending new papoose near,
cutting wickiup's wood
working skinning doe deer.
I will baffalo kill,
so our stomachs might fill.
Copyright ©
ramfire
... [
2005-10-17 22:42:16]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Velvet Raven
(User Rating: 1 )
by Whisper on
Tuesday, 18th October 2005 @ 04:23:16 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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I liked this very much. But I think the term squaw is a bit harsh. Its a term used by the white man a long time ago. I believe Be my wife Or be my Partner would do just as nice.
Just a suggestion.
Whisper |
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Re: Velvet Raven
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 18th October 2005 @ 04:35:36 AM AEST
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An engaging piece.
Some well expressed imagery.
“braids of deepest coal black.”
And good use of meter and rhyme.
This rhetorical haunts me.
“having you would I lack?”
You show much fondness towards your “velvet raven”…yet this query suggests feelings of dissatisfaction…emptiness. This makes me question and challenge the concept of ‘completion’ in regards to love –as such, in this case.
Perhaps it is within my misconstrued analysis?
The last stanza discussed Native American terminology, which allowed for an atmospheric and rather vivid account.
You began with notions of ‘emptiness’ and ended with “so our stomachs might fill.”
Coincidence?
This piece feels as though there is more than what meets the eye.
Thank you for sharing an awe-inspiring piece, as this.
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