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Woman in White
Contributed by
Blaze
on
Sunday, 23rd October 2005 @ 11:45:12 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Panorama of a city under the watch of a single star, crippled
by the same demons and insomniacs who stand
in line behind the machine at the Karma bank,
shoving aimlessly, always withdrawing,
living under the gloom of the eternal rain,
never knowing the light of day
never finding the strength to care.
Stained white wedding gown, wavering,
pacing the swamped boulevard that leads out of the city, soaking;
leaving a trail of dead rose petals to float among the torrents of rain,
black on the edges, thrust to the ground;
a veil concealing a phantom grin and blind eyes
that dismiss the mist and stalk the light
indifferent to every plan and all but one direction.
Sleepwalker dressed in still white satin, musing
of the star that beckons her into the sky and what lies behind it;
enjoying the drizzle and a demons whisper as it enters
her spine and spirals through her mind, humming
it as a lullaby as she reaches the star, smothering it into the earth,
smiling freely as the abyss consumes her
painting her dreams on the black canvas.
Copyright ©
Blaze
... [
2005-10-23 23:45:12]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Woman in White
(User Rating: 1 )
by the_story_of_the_year on
Monday, 24th October 2005 @ 12:28:22 AM AEST
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| i like this. it paints pictures in your head. good job. |
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Re: Woman in White
(User Rating: 1 )
by Sinfullilmissmuppet on
Monday, 24th October 2005 @ 12:50:56 AM AEST
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Hey,
It confused me but i sorta understood some of it.
I really liked the imagery it spooked me and any imagery that evokes a response in me is very very good.
Well feel free to read and leave comments on my poetry
Hopefully more constructive then this comment turned out.
till next time
emz |
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Re: Woman in White
(User Rating: 1 )
by nosoup4crr on
Monday, 24th October 2005 @ 02:08:34 AM AEST
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| The other comments are correct in commenting on this poem's ability to paint a picture in the reader's head. I got this anime or sin-city-esque picture in my head of sinister characters and mysterious motives. The only bit of advise I would offer is to devote just a little more attention to the analogy you're drawing with the star. Spend 2 or 3 more lines telling what it represents TO HER. A star is a universal symbol for desire...but when something is so universal it lacks genuineness. I think being a tad bit more personal could benefit the piece a lot. |
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Re: Woman in White
(User Rating: 1 )
by Dark_and_Cold on
Monday, 24th October 2005 @ 07:46:03 PM AEST
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I liked this too, though I rarely care for (semi) abstract poetry, nice job.
Brandin |
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Re: Woman in White
(User Rating: 1 )
by Blaze on
Monday, 24th October 2005 @ 09:15:13 PM AEST
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Thanks for the comments, guys.
"The other comments are correct in commenting on this poem's ability to paint a picture in the reader's head. I got this anime or sin-city-esque picture in my head of sinister characters and mysterious motives. The only bit of advise I would offer is to devote just a little more attention to the analogy you're drawing with the star. Spend 2 or 3 more lines telling what it represents TO HER. A star is a universal symbol for desire...but when something is so universal it lacks genuineness. I think being a tad bit more personal could benefit the piece a lot."
And thanks for the suggestion. Glad that you got that Sin City feel -- it wasn't what I originally had in mind, but the finished product did remind me of it.
As for describing what the star represents to the woman, I chose not to do that to keep it abstract.... Which is sort of my style lately. In the most basic layer of meaning, the woman simply wants to escape a city or place where she doesn't feel she belongs, and uses the star as a guide. I meant for the star to be nothing more than a symbol/guide to peace/salvation/Heaven/etc, and as a contrast to the otherwise dark inner-city. |
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Re: Woman in White
(User Rating: 1 )
by ChibiMiroku on
Monday, 24th October 2005 @ 10:10:36 PM AEST
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Wow. Well done! That was just.....really nicely done. I could feel the expressions, and it made a really nice mental movie in my head. ^^
I think i've almost got the other meaning of the poem... |
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Re: Woman in White
(User Rating: 1 )
by aprilrose on
Tuesday, 25th October 2005 @ 03:23:33 AM AEST
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| Wow very well written. it flows well it has a very good rythem |
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