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TODAY
Contributed by
Zanobia
on
Saturday, 5th November 2005 @ 10:36:55 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
TODAY IS THE DAY SHE WAS TEASED AT SCHOOL FOR HER APPERANCE,
TODAY IS THE DAY SHE WILL DRINK VODKA TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY,
TODAY IS THE DAY THE DRINKS WILL DOUBLE UNTILL SHE FEELS WORSE,
TODAY IS THE DAY SHE WILL HURL IT ALL UP,
TODAY IS THE DAY SHE FOUND THE BOTTLE,
WITH THE LABLE "TAKE ONLY ONE OR SERVER ILLNESS OR DEATH WILL FOLLOW",
TODAY IS THE DAY SHE WILL TAKE THE WHOLE BOTTLE,
TODAY IS THE DAY SHE WILL THINK AND KNOW SHE IS WORTH IT, WELL, WAS WORTH IT,
TOMMORO IS THE DAY HER BODY WILL MEET HER COFFIN,
AND HER COFFIN WILL ENTER THE GROUND.
Copyright ©
Zanobia
... [
2005-11-05 22:36:55]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: TODAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Saturday, 5th November 2005 @ 11:22:51 PM AEST
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| for starters this poem incorporated many of the things i do not like in a poem, such as: anaphora, all capitalization, word errors, and a style that is too repetitive and direct to relay any power. with all capitalization it seems that you scream your words at the reader, and well no reader likes being screamed at and all capitalization is hard on the eyes. with repetition its easy to cross the line for being effective to redudant, boring, and unoriginal. word errors show a lack of time proof reading the poem, which shows that there wasnt much time spent on the poem. with the style, it doesnt work for this piece at all, because of the repetitiveness and all capitalization. i think you have a good concept and transition, but there is too much distraction to properly portray it to the reader. i think if you used more literary devices, such as: figurative language, diction, or syntax you could make this poem something great. you can take any line, add a few words and make it completely new and a masterpiece. sometimes its the little things that make a masterpiece. i also think that concept wise, that this was too emotionally detached to fill the void for power, i think if this wasnt such a superficial poem, the style wouldnt have suffered as much. so i think you should decide to revise this one, i think if you use your talent to portray this subject, and not just words, you will have something great. |
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Re: TODAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Whisper on
Saturday, 5th November 2005 @ 11:26:19 PM AEST
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Gee that was heavy . Interesting write
Whisper |
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Re: TODAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by kaysea on
Sunday, 6th November 2005 @ 02:11:54 PM AEST
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I liked this, i think people need to hear this kind of stuff. it happens everyday. something has got to bring it into peoples thought until something is done about it. my poem To Whom it may concern was posted in the school papers in our district. Its every parents responsibility to make sure their kids know that it is not okay to make somebody feel bad in any way.
alot of the time this is the end result |
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Re: TODAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by enigma on
Sunday, 6th November 2005 @ 02:33:33 PM AEST
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...yeah, well, maybe she missed something...anyway, I liked the repitition of, Today...Today is a big concept...
...thanks...
enigma |
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Re: TODAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by Zanobia on
Monday, 7th November 2005 @ 09:12:36 PM AEST
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| im sorry. i ment to do the title in all capps, not the poem, i agree it is like i am yellin at u. i cant spell so i did proof read and saw no errors. if u guys want, i will delete. |
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Re: TODAY
(User Rating: 1 )
by deathbringer on
Thursday, 24th November 2005 @ 10:48:30 PM AEST
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| Someone smart sayd:"Forget this fool typos don't mean a thing it's the words and the emotion put in the writes.If he could only see past the typo maybe he could feel the words on the page."(Steve) and any other words from me would be useless. |
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