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Undone
Contributed by
coral
on
Thursday, 15th December 2005 @ 02:44:28 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Brought to my knees
And bled dry
Heart filled with hurt
I long to cry
The birds have stopped singing
Delicate flowers
Ceased blooming
My spring stolen
Theres nothing to fix
Whats broken
Sweet memories
Are all thats left
Little treasures
So lovingly kept
Of a past love they remind
The ache of happiness
Left behind
Rotten lies
In a basket of promises
Raw pain
Blurring familiar faces
Mere mortal
I
My strength depleting
After each try
Copyright ©
coral
... [
2005-12-15 02:44:28]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Undone
(User Rating: 1 )
by Dri on
Thursday, 15th December 2005 @ 01:04:21 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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"raw pain
blurring familiar faces"
that line in particular is very strong, visual and yet internal at the same time. |
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Re: Undone
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Thursday, 15th December 2005 @ 04:51:45 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I like this. It is simple, but shows skill in the word choices. I like that you did not try to "say it all" and end up saying too much, as too often happens with this kind of poetry. This is rather beautiful.
I think a little punctuation would not be amiss, especially a comma after the I of the third-from-last line, as it is a little ambiguous at first reading whether it belongs to the line above or the line below.
Keep writing. And may you find beauty around the corner.
Andrew |
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Re: Undone
(User Rating: 1 )
by jdawg on
Sunday, 18th December 2005 @ 03:30:59 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Great poem! I can relate to alot of this.. Thanx for sharing this with us all.. god bless and keep up the good work.
best wishes
~Justin L.~ |
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