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suicide : pleasure : death : truth
Contributed by
abnormalpunk
on
Saturday, 17th December 2005 @ 06:36:21 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
into the infinite
the windows shatter
and through the darkness
the doors are closed
and while the children
sing their merry songs
i am left alone
in this solitude of mourning
the joy of the world
surrounds the unhappy
(no wonder suicide is so 'cool')
its okay to be liked
or at least wanting that
the moonlight will strike
like the dagger i conceal
the trigger has been pulled
and the bullet is aloft
the smoke is clearing now
this gravestone is now marked
rest in peace
with a piece of my heart
the one you incisioned
with your tongue
the things we did
so foul and so guilty
the pleasure we shared
'murder!' she cried.
'murder!'
twilight overcomes us
and shadows consume us
as whispers surround us
while death is upon us
yet fear is inhaling us
now...
i am
forgiving
Copyright ©
abnormalpunk
... [
2005-12-17 18:36:21]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: suicide : pleasure : death : truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by DesolantDreamer on
Saturday, 17th December 2005 @ 06:43:00 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| This..uh..makes you think. Good poem, and kinda dark. Perfect. |
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Re: suicide : pleasure : death : truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by lost_chadow on
Saturday, 17th December 2005 @ 06:46:57 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I can identify so well to this poem, even down to the flying bullets(in my head, anyway). Great write, I like. |
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Re: suicide : pleasure : death : truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 18th December 2005 @ 02:57:27 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
| your description lead me to believe that this poem would hold great things, but your poem didnt follow through with it. overall this was a good poem, but not of the caliber of the description. your first stanza was the best, because of the originality. the rest of the poem seems to be the same rendition as the 1000 suicide/dark poems ive read/written. your 3rd and 4th stanzas held some good elements of originality but there would be one line that would ruin it, because it is so overused (the last line of both). your ending has a lot to be desired in my opinion. for a poem that started off so original, ending with repetition takes away the fact that this had originality in it. your last 4 words, were actually excellent for an ending, but the repetition took away from that, because afterall in a poem you are only as good as your last verse. so why make a big deal about originality? it seems to be your forte, and yet some of the other elements of your writing deteorate it into the banal poems of todays writers. also another good thing to say about this poem is you didnt use rhymes, so it wasnt forced in that way, and you prove to all the writers that still think rhyme is essential to be a good writer, that it isnt. as for the title, i think your creativity can be used more effectively than using a list such as that. |
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