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Softer than the stars
Contributed by
iodinelove
on
Saturday, 11th March 2006 @ 12:44:02 PM in AEST
Topic:
abstract
|
In first seeing
it was soft
softer than the stars.
Having sat upon
having laid upon
having cast my breath upon
it is still there
its soft, soft light
surrendering
to the shadows of my sorrow
to the shuddering of my fear.
In it i could say that I am different.
in it i could say that I am wise.
but i am not wise
and I am not different.
In it, I am fulfilled.
In it, I am empty.
It is the carcass of a still-born sun
singing softly to the stone
of an old friend.
It is the shared tears
old lovers share.
It is a moment of consideration
A moment of regret.
It is the deepest strangling pain
alleviated.
It is the cool slip of sheets
on a summer day.
It is so many things
but at first seeing
it was soft
softer than the stars.
Copyright ©
iodinelove
... [
2006-03-11 12:44:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Softer than the stars
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Saturday, 11th March 2006 @ 01:23:59 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Well, I like this very much, Abraham. It has a lovely tone to it that is neither too light or too heavy, but rather rich and melancholy in a wonderful sort of way. This tugs at me - which is to say, I found it captivating and quite an enjoyable read.
My only suggestion would be a word exchange to eliminate a bit of redundancy in the line "It is the shared tears/old lovers share". Perhaps "gentle" or some other adjective could replace "shared" there?
Nicely done!
~Snem |
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