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Dream of Reality
Contributed by
PGreene
on
Monday, 24th April 2006 @ 03:12:37 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
You think you've loved someone,
Until you've loved someone.
Life doesn't start 'til you've loved someone.
Your brain stops working when you love someone,
Because your mind's occupied...
With confusion.
And it's real
What you feel,
This dream of reality;
A wound that is visible.
It's over your heart
An empty hole
Revealing your soul
To the world.
You try to cover it up
With empty words,
But as you talk, the hole continues to grow.
And then you lose control
Of your mind,
Of your body,
Of your life..
And of your soul.
Copyright ©
PGreene
... [
2006-04-24 15:12:37]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Dream of Reality
(User Rating: 1 )
by hardrocker15198916 on
Friday, 28th April 2006 @ 03:37:59 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Indeedly interesting. Love for me has always been that thing that takes over my life, and what I saw in the poem was that the black hole in your heart was this, I don't know what you meant by it, but it really touched my heart.
Reminds me of my Mary
Oh and thank you for commenting on my forget me not friends poem. It meant alot to me. ^_^
~Rae~ |
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Re: Dream of Reality
(User Rating: 1 )
by TheSpiritx on
Saturday, 29th April 2006 @ 04:41:17 PM AEST
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a Message)
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It is sometimes difficult to combine styles of poetry (as your poem is divided here into two main stylistic sections) and keep the unity of the poem.
Your first section was good in a sense - you took the concept and toyed with it in words. I get the feeling you overused the words 'loved someone,' even if it is the topic of the poem. Still, it created the feeling for poem.
The second section faces a challenge - can it maintain the setting created by the first section?
It almost gets there, but it comes up short a little bit. You have 16 lines there and you could strengthen this poem by creating a rhyme scheme - aabb, aabc, abac, whatever you pick. That rhyme scheme would help the poem flow and help the reader remember certain parts of it. Doing that aids in the reader's comprehension of the full poem's meaning.
I think that, structurally, the second section is strong in triplets - three lines flow and the fourth line counteracts the flow (which is good, it pounds the idea in). If you could try to consider that as an option, I feel it might just add some follow-up strength to the poem.
TS |
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Re: Dream of Reality
(User Rating: 1 )
by RealCrystal on
Monday, 8th May 2006 @ 09:09:54 PM AEST
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| I really enjoyed reading this poem, especially liked the irony of someone feeling a hole with emptiness...and I understand the feelings that love evokes, the same feelings you conveyed in this poem...great write |
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