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Land of the free
Contributed by
tissueshaveissues
on
Monday, 24th April 2006 @ 10:30:47 PM in AEST
Topic:
political
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Make all the kids the same
Creativity and originality are things of the past
Uniformity is the key
A nation raised by meds and tv sets
This is the land of the free
Train them for their cubicles
They must all be the same
Its the degeneration of our generation
Zombies masked as humans
Standaridized for you and me
Uniformity is the key
In this the land of the free
Copyright ©
tissueshaveissues
... [
2006-04-24 22:30:47]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Land of the free
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Tuesday, 25th April 2006 @ 10:40:31 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| I understand what you are saying, I wish you took a more didactic approach. 4 stars |
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Re: Land of the free
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Tuesday, 25th April 2006 @ 10:45:26 PM AEST
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| i think explaining why having everything this way (what you define as this way with your concept) is important because it would help this a lot. what happens when someone disagrees? your poem does nothing to back anything you say. the meds and tv sets word use was pretty good but the generations one wasnt. a broader range of vocabulary would also be nice. even though this is freestyle, it seemed like you tried to make it sort of rhymish with all of the key, free, and me endings. that does make the poem sound more appealing, but can also be quite cheesy when excessive or just such a common rhyme its cliched. i think if you raised the bar with originality and extending your thoughts this would be a lot better. otherwise you will have yourself into a category of unoriginal poets. i will also argue that being completely unoriginal can show why someone doesnt want to be in the land of the free, but most people arent thinking that much into poetry on this site. by extending your thoughts the poem is given more depth. with the whole training them for their cubicles idea i think you can extend it to be more original and more forceful. they are trained for their cublicles because they shouldnt think outside the box, shouldnt know they are all trained to be the same mold of failures...failures that know no different. in some cases its amazingly good to the poem if it is short and to the point because it brings power, but this didnt have that quality so expand it or strengthen it. |
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Re: Land of the free
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 25th April 2006 @ 10:53:40 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Wow, enormously well done sarcasm. I am in total agreeance with the truth behind your "sarcasm". A well done job.
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