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Broken Family
Contributed by
silver_runaway
on
Tuesday, 25th April 2006 @ 12:37:09 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Whats wrong daddy; why are you angry
Whats happening daddy; why are you yelling
What can I do; why is mommy so sad
Whats going on; why cant you stay
Whats going to happen to me; where am I going to live
I dont want two addresses; Im caught in the middle
I dont want to choose; this isnt fair
I dont want her around me; you cant make me call her mom
I dont want a stepbrother; whats wrong with me and my brother
I dont want you to leave; isnt mommy good enough
Why are you taking the family portrait; that picture is just a lie now
Why are you making me choose; dont you love mommy
Why are you doing this; was it something I did
Why did you have to hurt me; can't we go back to being a family
Why are you leaving; I'll be good I promise
Please don't look at her that way daddy; she's not mommy
Please don't tell her that; she will never be mommy
Please don't make me hug her; I hate her daddy
Please don't make me do this; I miss mommy
Please don't live here; come back home with me and mommy
Copyright ©
silver_runaway
... [
2006-04-25 12:37:09]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Broken Family
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Tuesday, 25th April 2006 @ 10:24:42 PM AEST
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a Message)
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your anaphora wasnt excessive to me, but that is because i didnt notice it. that in itself is surprising, but i suppose its due to such long lines and the substance that goes with them.
i was looking for a particular tone in this that is sort of childlike and innocent but it wasnt that clearly expressed to me. of course this tone is in competition with some of the greats ive come across, but this poem seems to lack feeling and that sort of tone. that tone gives the poem more life. i think because it was such a fast paced poem that the tone just got swallowed in the speed. every line seem to present a new topic and bringing some focus to more areas would have slowed it down and perhaps made it more emotional and have a tone that jumps off the page. even though your diction, style, and worduse reflected childlike qualities i just didnt feel a child was saying it. it does get the concept across extremely well, which can be hard with reverting to such a style. |
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