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-No Title-
Contributed by
DamentedSuicide
on
Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 10:35:38 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Constantly dreaming of a day like this
Feelings like heavenly bliss
Never believing in me
All that i thought never to see
Drowning in a lifeless abyss
Its easy to miss the essence of happieness
To many dark days
contorting thoughts in its own way
As lifeless as i am
you are the one that came
Opening my eyes
And erasing all those lies
Holding me tight
You wouldnt give up the fight
I thought my heart to be dead
Heavy and broken i said
Hands around me tightly you pulled
You coundlt be easily fooled
Like a spell that had been broken
My heart was awoken
In your arms to this day
Is right where my heart lays
And now a kiss and an I love you
With this ring i will say I do
Copyright ©
DamentedSuicide
... [
2006-05-05 10:35:38]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: -No Title-
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Friday, 5th May 2006 @ 01:56:19 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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I think this definitely got better toward the end. I think it could do with a little help on meter. Some of the lines are a little shorter than others, for example, the second line could have done with being a little longer, to match the first, and so one.
You also could do with a spell check.
I do like the style and structure of this, it works pretty well.
Phyllis xxx |
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