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comments or critism welcome
Contributed by
wolf_tamer
on
Friday, 16th June 2006 @ 12:22:04 AM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
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~6-15-06~
i was in an accident
along with three of my friends
my boyfriend was driving w
we were going so fast that it hit our rear end
it happened so fast
seemed like the speed of light
it hit, and they yelled
they were all full of fright
i guess one is hurt
and her father might sue
my boyfriend might go to jail
and i feel so ****** blue
i cried for so long
and my friends are all ****
they are all stupided *******
who should just die in a pit
there was a time
not to long ago
that i'd do anything for them
that was my eego
but they lied to everyone
they lied to my face
if she says the wrong thing
i'll beat her with grace
so all i have to say
is your ****** stupid and dumb
if my boyfriend go's to jail
believe me, your done...
**edited of course**
Copyright ©
wolf_tamer
... [
2006-06-16 00:22:04]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: comments or critism welcome
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Saturday, 17th June 2006 @ 10:50:40 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Ok, I'm afraid you're gonna get some criticism.
You need to capitalise your I's. Have some pride in your writing, at the moment it looks unprofessional and rather sloppy.
Leave off with the cursing. It's uncreative and looks terrible. This is a family site, too.
Use a spell check as well, you have some spelling mistakes, and even some words which aren't real words in there. If you really don't want to use a spell check, then at least have one done by the moderators.
Don't try to end poems with words or lines just because they rhyme. It takes away from the actual content.
That's all for now.
Phyllis xxx |
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Re: comments or critism welcome
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 18th June 2006 @ 11:36:37 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Yes, I felt the anger in this write... be careful.. I will pray for you and all... I love you.. and so does our heavenly Father... wonderfully expressed.. I thank you.. for a meaningful write that will help those... to slow down in life, to take it easy... patience is the key...
RaquelLeah |
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Re: comments or critism welcome
(User Rating: 1 )
by artjunkiekyle on
Tuesday, 20th June 2006 @ 01:28:02 PM AEST
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Wow!!! you are really angry and i love it! Although i wish you to keep writing like this, i hope your issues with your friends are resolved. You have an incredible ability!!!
- artjunkiekyle |
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Re: comments or critism welcome
(User Rating: 1 )
by Whisper on
Tuesday, 20th June 2006 @ 06:09:42 PM AEST
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Yup it is a angry poem. One would think the people would be Thankful is wasn't worse. Not who is sueing who .
And curse words never add to the read.
Whisper |
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