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Amelia’s Demonstrate (Unpolished)
Contributed by
franciswolf
on
Saturday, 17th June 2006 @ 11:52:51 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Cranky old men turn the radios down
When they drive by the churches of youth
Where we fiddle our self-abuse and lack of confidence
And those elderly mumble truth
We treat ourselves to a rock and roll chorus
While the folk lords cover their ears
And we jump up and down head bashing
While Mozart sits in tears
For who is here, and what was how
Cant barley communicate
As the march of what is now, makes Amelias Demonstrate
Capote offers us some wine
While bible woman jeer at him
And say, I dont know much bout your personal life
But promoting that my friends a sin
Just then Socrates comes in new sandals
And theorizes the maids out of town
After he pins the tail on his donkey
And fakes poker games with a clown
The children gather round him
Like the Jesus of past late
As he tells them madly of his hypocrisy for Amelias Demonstrate
Men come in wearing formal jackets
That they purchased as soon as they were out
Theyve come to teach Mr. Gandhi
What its all about
But our priest conducting mass
Andy Kaufman in a wrestling suit
Begs them all to leave like a foreign man
Then gives them all the boot
Cause conformity in all its form
Wasted away while Andy ate
And when he stopped for desert, he forgot Amelias Demonstrate
Mrs. Hutchinson, the mid wife
She collects pennies in a can
Explaining her self fulfillment
And how she plans to start a band
With a green suit wearing nature freak
On the drums by the vocalist Claudius of Rome
Until of course he kindly notes to her
That hed rather work alone
And so Anne she whines her violin
Leaving it all up to fate
And writes the lyrics to Amelias Demonstrate
The church of youth its mass concludes
All individuals within
Collapse while tripping oxy cotton
And rise back up again
And splashing energy soda
From the holy water cup
Walk out about to flag down
Belittle and corrupt
For all that is in suffering
And why Y is what is hate
Makes its message clear as war through Amelias Demonstrate
Copyright ©
franciswolf
... [
2006-06-17 23:52:51]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Amelia’s Demonstrate (Unpolished)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 18th June 2006 @ 12:09:56 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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,.
That is a comma. You need to use more of them. If I was to read this poem out aloud I would soon be dead from asphixiation.
Unless "Amelia" is a collective noun for a group, or there is a group of people called Amelia that have gathered together to picket against something, the title doesn't make sense. It is not grammatical.
Constructively, I have this to say to you; your ideas and concepts are strong, but you need to find a way to express them without a barrage of words. You need to condense them.
you also need syntax and cohesion. Without this, the ideas are juxtaposed, and the meaning is lost. The style of your writing is suited more to metrical composition as opposed to free verse. I think you would be very good at metered poetry, that is, stressed and untstressed, stressedstressed syllables (iambs, trochees). This format would keep you operating within orderly perimeters.
you're welcome,
black. |
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Re: Amelia’s Demonstrate (Unpolished)
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Sunday, 18th June 2006 @ 01:16:10 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Well I think it's a very powerfull, thought provoking write.
Good job.
huggs,
emy |
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