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i am so tired
Contributed by
babylugz
on
Thursday, 14th September 2006 @ 09:11:07 PM in AEST
Topic:
selfstruggles
|
I am tired, so very tired, I can feel myself withering away
I go through these phases where I am I strong and then I am weak
When I am weak I feel I am crazy
I feel like I have lost my mind
I feel as if though nothing is real
I feel dead
I look in the mirror and I am disgusted by my reflection
At what I have become
An addict
I feel I cant control it, but I am not sure if I am even trying to control it
The more I beat myself up about it, the more I crave
I want to feel numb
I know that it is my addiction that feeds my depression
Ironically it was my depression that started my addiction
I am angry because I cant get back to normal, whatever normal is
I know I am addicted because in order to feel normal I have to use
I cannot function without it
Taking a shower, getting dressed, or even just getting up period is an enormous task when I am not using
In order for me to carry out a normal day I have to use
I am tired of it
I want to quit
I dont want to have to use just to feel normal
There have been times when I am outside and I see people walking around and talking
Or just having fun and I find myself feeling jealous
Because I so badly want to have natural energy
I want to know what it feels like to get up and start my day without even thinking about this drug
I can barely remember me being able to do that
I know that being sober can be done, but I keep hitting these barriers
I have written so many poems on my addiction and my family
I have told you that I have kids and I am pretty sure that I was looked down upon because of that
And whatever bad thing you may think about me
I totally agree
But yes I am I mother and an addict
And no those two things should not go with one another but if you would
Take a look at which one of those two things I said first you will see that I am
A mother before anything else
Nothing is more important then their well-being and health
I have had people ask me dont I even care that I may have my kids taken away
But my question to them is dont you think I think about that everyday?
I love my kids with all my heart and I would just die if we were ever torn apart
But it is hard. And before you cast me away let me tell you this
There is a difference between imagining how hard something is and actually knowing
And feeling how hard something is
So unless you have felt how hard it can be please don't tell me it shouldn't be hard because I have kids
Because if that were the case then this wouldn't even be an issue for me
You see if I were to stop using today, then tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, for at least two weeks I will not be able to get out of bed
That is just to get over the withdraw
Which would be okay but who is going to watch my kids and make sure
That they are fed, should I just let them fend for themselves
No, I cannot, and will not do that
I would love to go into a home, but do I leave my kids out here to survive on their own
And I will not take them in one of those places with me
I dont want them to see the horrible person that I will become when I am going through withdraw
And if I go into a home what about my house and my job
I cannot afford to lose either one of them
I am not a bad person
I take care of my kids, help them with their homework, I work, cook, clean
So I use to keep up
But like I said I am tired
I am falling apart
I put up a front and act like everything is okay
And then at night I cry
I am so tired
Copyright ©
babylugz
... [
2006-09-14 21:11:07]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: i am so tired
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lilbabe on
Thursday, 14th September 2006 @ 09:19:20 PM AEST
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a Message)
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reading that made me tired...but it was full of so much emotion. you are not a bad person or a bad mother. you are just struggling. that was really deep...a look into your mind. nicely written
lex |
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Re: i am so tired
(User Rating: 1 )
by SocialMisfit on
Monday, 4th December 2006 @ 05:12:30 AM AEST
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nice.....you really open your soul for the reader to see....nothing is hidden, just raw emotion and beautiful surrender, i loved it
SM |
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Re: i am so tired
(User Rating: 1 )
by Grae on
Tuesday, 3rd March 2009 @ 09:27:11 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL EXACTLY |
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