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Memoir of a Shotglass
Contributed by
Harimitsu
on
Friday, 15th September 2006 @ 02:33:57 PM in AEST
Topic:
surreal
|
Another day today and I meet a new friend
He sits by the bar and has another drink
And he tells his story about this girl
As he downs alcohol so he wont have to think
And so from his head, the picture fades
Into a wispy, watery haze
And he looks at his watch as he drinks all alone
And he takes an unsure glance though towards the phone
He sighs, cause his heart is broken
And he drains again the yellow brew
But not much longer after that
He left me alone to go someplace new
Five minutes later I take a drink of water
And I wipe down my face sometime after
And in walks this girl, with a story of her own
Her voice was soft with a gentle tone
She told a tale of heartbreak, heartache, and betrayal
About some guy she thought she didnt care for
But now, she really misses him badly
And so she drinks to think no more
Her eyes glisten lightly but her cheeks are dry
The question there is asking Why?
But know one can answer to her shattered soul
Of why she left the one that made her whole
And so time passes and soon she would leave
And now its time for the bar to close
Another drink of water with another wipe down
Silence fills the room and outside the wind blows
Every day I hear these same sad cries
Some are truths but some are lies
And they all drink from an opaque glass
To escape the realms of all their pasts
Copyright ©
Harimitsu
... [
2006-09-15 14:33:57]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Memoir of a Shotglass
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Friday, 15th September 2006 @ 06:04:15 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Hey, welcome to the place. You'll find your feet soon enough here, and if you're unsure, ask away; we're happy to help.
As for this one, it's none too badly written, though to tell the truth I think it could benefit from less words. We who write in English are often encouraged to make our poetry as dense and full as we can, but in truth poetry's power lies not in descriptiveness but in its ability to make us instinctively connect, to build pictures of our own. Since we're all different, our pictures will be slightly different as well. Therefore, the best wording we can use is spare but very vivid stuff; only the most earth-sattering, inspiring words, the ones that influence on their own. Of course that's no easy thing, but it's the thing to be always striving for - progress is seldom fast, but when it comes it has the effect of surprising us as well, and that's quite rewarding.
Keep it up.
Andrew |
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Re: Memoir of a Shotglass
(User Rating: 1 )
by ever1der on
Friday, 15th September 2006 @ 08:25:31 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I just got blasted on another site for the lack of punctuation.
I notice you don't use any. Is that just your style? This was long..it could be shortened into a country song. |
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