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Creature of the Night
Contributed by
Ensiferous
on
Thursday, 19th October 2006 @ 07:22:47 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
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I'd like some constructive critisism on this poem, it's my first poem ever so I'm really interested in how the flow is. I tried the best I could but being my first there's probably a lot to fix. I'd also like to know which mood it puts you in and which message it delivers, and which parts of the poem primarily sets this mood and delivers the message.
The sun slowly fading,
the darkening of the sky,
the shroud of night looming,
welcoming me goodnight.
The world becoming mute,
the sun dark and shaded,
it is our time now;
us creatures of the night.
Alone and resurrected,
hidden in my cave,
my kind slowly awakening,
greeting me goodnight.
The tap of keyboard letters,
the sound of distant beings,
waiting for my next reply,
before our time is up.
My mind is sharp and rested,
the clock chimes 5 o'clock,
light breaks the dusk of darkness,
and brings the dawn of day.
The night all forgotten,
this creature just as well,
unnoticed in the background,
waiting with the dead.
Copyright ©
Ensiferous
... [
2006-10-19 19:22:47]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Creature of the Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jackman on
Thursday, 19th October 2006 @ 08:01:35 PM AEST
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| I really like your first poem Ensiferous. If I've got this right, and I'd like to think I have, it reminds me of myself a few years ago; all night sessions on the 'net, leading a strange twilight existence. I think the flow is very good indeed - granted, there are no rhymes present, but the piece does flow with ease and grace. I feel that the sense of being in isolation in 'real' terms yet still being part of an online community is put across intelligently and without pretense. My favourite bit is the penultimate stanza, especially the line "My mind is sharp and rested" - that feeling of being wired but the knowledge you should be asleep, it's a familiar thing to me, and articulated very well. If I'm going to nit-pick, then to end the first and third stanzas with "welcomes me goodnight"/"greeting me goodnight" could be improved, as it does disrupt the flow slightly, but aside from that minor point, a very good read, especially for a first attempt, and I look forward to reading more from you in the future. =D |
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Re: Creature of the Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ensiferous on
Thursday, 19th October 2006 @ 08:25:25 PM AEST
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You really did find the essence of the poem, living my life at night. I really do prefer the silence of the night, being able to concentrate about my job etc. Sadly it has the side effect of me being a ghost during the day.
I'm not a regular writer, in fact, I'm a math student; however, I'll be sure to write something if I find myself in the mood for it.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate the feedback. |
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Re: Creature of the Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by sally-heart-jack on
Thursday, 19th October 2006 @ 09:57:39 PM AEST
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The last 6 lines are my favorite, and they stand out to me the most.
I just like the picture it brings to my mind.
Overall, to me you've got the message across clearly, you've grasped the essence of, basically, living through that time of a tired and sleepy "phase" of your life.
Very clear, while still being a little vague.
^_^ cool! |
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Re: Creature of the Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by vikingbrokk on
Friday, 20th October 2006 @ 12:11:40 AM AEST
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| this is your first poem ever? its very good! but any poem that mentions caves is always good for me. |
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Re: Creature of the Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by one-curly-fry on
Friday, 20th October 2006 @ 12:27:04 AM AEST
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Good write for your first.
I'm sure many here could relate.. The net kind of has the effect - I've been there before...
I personally feel this poem gets better as it goes on. The last three stanzas are very nicely flowing. With the first three - they are good too, I just get a little tongue tied - esp. in the first stanza.
Nothing in my statement - I tend to trip on words easily! lol Either way, the whole piece has a good flow and a lot of feeling..
Keep up the writing!
- Tim |
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