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Standing on the Edge
Contributed by
SilverDagger
on
Saturday, 11th November 2006 @ 02:52:35 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Teetering on the edge of insanity
A simple smile, so far away
Completely helpless, I turn to gravity
Hoping I'll stay sane another day.
Peering down into the abyss
Of dark despair, hostile and cold
If one small movement goes amiss
I'll find myself losing my hold.
How deep down does it go
Like a winding, tortuous, sinuous lane
Of its end will I ever know
Or will I end up with more pain?
A gentle breeze blows my way
But its sudden turbulence overwhelms me
With its force, it makes me sway
Through the storm, I cannot see.
I take one step forward, wondering why
It seems to take me so much time
Just to make up my mind, and not lie
To myself and start to sublime
I can feel myself losing my grip
As the world passes me by
The time has come to end my trip
And into the depths of delusion fly.
Copyright ©
SilverDagger
... [
2006-11-11 02:52:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Standing on the Edge
(User Rating: 1 )
by pooper on
Saturday, 11th November 2006 @ 08:52:13 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Shows insight and promise. Stay with it. |
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Re: Standing on the Edge
(User Rating: 1 )
by angelfreak on
Saturday, 11th November 2006 @ 11:16:39 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Didn't sound amateurish to me. I think it's a great write. Good Job! |
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Re: Standing on the Edge
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Saturday, 11th November 2006 @ 01:35:47 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Your word choices are good, but it sounds like your sentence structure gets a bit mangled by the need to get a rhyming word in the right place. This is common, and can be quite hard not to do, and for that reason I'd recommend doing some non-rhyming poetry. It can free up the ability to pick more powerful words, and that's one of the most important lessons for good poetry - one that can be learned none too soon.
Still, it also builds discipline and the ability to structure well, writing in rhyme. Balance is a good thing, and you should try as many styles as you can.
Keep it up!
Andrew |
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Re: Standing on the Edge
(User Rating: 1 )
by Sparkz16 on
Monday, 18th December 2006 @ 09:26:07 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| doesnt sound amateurish to me...very great i to sometimes feel like im "loosing my grip" you write great stuff keep up the good work |
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