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Poetry in Balance
Contributed by
Ratwick
on
Monday, 11th December 2006 @ 04:40:18 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
What is the balance
Between the pen and the gun?
See, these words are not bulletproof.
But thats part of the fun.
I can't always say what I see
But I can kill and be killed, that can express what I mean.
But what if these words were really the bullets?
And my keyboard, our pens were the triggers that pulled it?
Would the bang be heard by those that would hurt?
Would you listen?
Would you learn?
Write this down, and then write me up
When you lay down your pen, the swords will pick up.
SPEAK OUT!
And don't ever shut up!
Whatever your cause, be it justice, because, just no its not lost.
Not now. Not ever. Notwithstanding a clause.
Only you can decide where you lie in the balance..
Between the pen and the gun.
But thats part of the fun.
Copyright ©
Ratwick
... [
2006-12-11 04:40:18]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Poetry in Balance
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Monday, 11th December 2006 @ 05:13:52 AM AEST
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Hmm, not bad, not bad at all. The language in general is much better than average, and the rhymes are pretty solid mostly. I do think the line
Whatever your cause, be it justice, because, just no its not lost.
is a bit confused ("be it justice," suggests some other to be named ("be it ___") after the pause.
Keep writing, eh?
Andrew |
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Re: Poetry in Balance
(User Rating: 1 )
by NDean on
Monday, 11th December 2006 @ 02:58:51 PM AEST
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Andrew is being picky. The poem is really good. It says what Ive been thinking for ages. Well done.
Nathan |
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Re: Poetry in Balance
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eternal_Dreamer on
Monday, 11th December 2006 @ 10:37:50 PM AEST
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A very well ascribed piece of poetry~ I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks so much for posting it~ Keep up the great work.
warm hugs,
dreamer~ |
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Re: Poetry in Balance
(User Rating: 1 )
by yangdantien on
Wednesday, 13th December 2006 @ 01:34:36 PM AEST
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I worked with adjudicated youths in NYC circa 84 to 95 and during the crack ladden cowboy years we saw lots of young gun handlers coming up with rhymes. Your piece is reminiscent of this and does one better in that your write attempts to reconcile and identify balance as the goal. You clearly skirt the classic 'pen is mighter than ... schtick' and bring it back to reality in questions:
"...But what if these words were really the bullets?
And my keyboard, our pens were the triggers that pulled it?
Would the bang be heard by those that would hurt?
Would you listen?
Would you learn?..."
These are good questions and a fine effort in verse...
Here is to writing without a Net..
Peace
Yang
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