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melodies from within
Contributed by
amateurwriter
on
Tuesday, 16th January 2007 @ 11:08:05 PM in AEST
Topic:
Haiku
|
From within myself,
Those beautiful melodies
I choose to evoke.
Copyright ©
amateurwriter
... [
2007-01-16 23:08:05]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: melodies from within
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Wednesday, 17th January 2007 @ 02:56:33 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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I think you're looking for "evoke" in the last line.
It's none too bad, but it misses some of the characteristics which make a haiku. 5-7-5 syllable structure is not all you need; there's juxtaposition, where two of the three lines are separated from the remaining line by use of a semicolon. I'd encourage you read up a bit, there are some good books on haikus, though unfortunately none come to mind.
Keep it up.
Andrew |
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