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The Love Song Without the Word Love In It
Contributed by
allforyou
on
Friday, 6th April 2007 @ 01:14:34 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I've been so, so, so blue (like violets baby),
without you here pleasin' me.
You must've heard & its true (oh so true),
I've got nothin' to do.
Nothin' but sit here, think here, be here missin' you.
Oh babe, babe, babe, babe, babe, baby,
wish I could come home to you.
Cause' I'm craving away for your love,
slaving away for your love,
I'm not staying away from your love,
until summer feels cold.
I want to eat-breathe, sleep-dream, feel,
I just wanna feel your touch,
before this takes a hold.
I've been so, so, so blue (like blueberry pie),
without you here next me.
I'm telling you & it couldn't be more true,
I need nothing but you.
Copyright ©
allforyou
... [
2007-04-06 13:14:34]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The Love Song Without the Word Love In It
(User Rating: 1 )
by needledancing on
Friday, 6th April 2007 @ 03:14:35 PM AEST
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| I hear Micheal Bolten in the background and this freaks me out......he could to this fabulously...good piece... |
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Re: The Love Song Without the Word Love In It
(User Rating: 1 )
by Butterat_Zool on
Sunday, 8th April 2007 @ 06:09:24 AM AEST
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You tricked me! First you used the word "love" in the title, then you used it three times in the song itself. That's exactly why i don't write love poems... It's too easy to just say the word "love" to convey your feelings when that word has sooooo many applications that it doesn't really mean anything at all. Your blueberry pie simile made me laugh. I like the diction here, and the dialect. It sets the mood for the poem, but the repetition really lightens the tone, almost too much, so that you're coming off as playful, rather than spastically, desperately in love. Maybe using more words to bring across the largess of this person's love would make the lyrics fit the tone, or lightening up on the repetition and call-and-response would bring the tune down to a level of simplicity that fits the words more appropriately. Really, I like the poem, it just seems you're trying to do too much, and you could easily turn this into two very different, but very, very good poems. Keep writing. I'd like to see more of your work.
BZ. |
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