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We all drown in our misfortune
Contributed by
Voice of the Silent
on
Thursday, 22nd November 2007 @ 09:41:08 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
I don't know what i was thinking when i wrote this but i just went with what i thought of writing tell me if you like it
We sit here and drown
as our minds slowly takes you down
our minds slowly sinks
and we sit and think
we''ve all gone crazy
and they say lets just see
but our minds sink down
and slowly they drown
drown in their sorrow and pitty
drown in their misforture and it drives them crazy
and they still say lets just see
not doing anyhing saying to me
lets just see
Copyright ©
Voice of the Silent
... [
2007-11-22 09:41:08]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: We all drown in our misfortune
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Thursday, 22nd November 2007 @ 03:00:24 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| you had a good message that people just say lets wait and see what will come instead of actually doing anything. being passive just means the world controls you, not the other way around though. you had some grammatical errors with subjects not agreeing with their verbs and stuff like that-so that needs to be cleaned up a bit. this seems to be more for lyrics than a poem though with all the repetition and rhyming. i would have liked to have seen some imagery with this though, to add more power to this and make this more memorable. you have to take the subject and make it your own to truly impact a person and make them think "wow, they are brilliant". this was more like, "meh, this has potential". |
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