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Seductress
Contributed by
ki
on
Wednesday, 5th December 2007 @ 12:35:21 AM in AEST
Topic:
SecretLove
|
I lured you in with my body
Made love to you with my mind
But never once have you been willing,
To return the favor of mine
Watch the way I move
Don't you know I want you?
Let me un-dress your soul
Any way I want to
Let me climb into your mind
And caress all of your fears
While my lips erase the doubt in you
Until it dissapears
I can kiss away your worries
Seduce you with my endless charms
Touch the hunger deep inside you
While your lying in my arms
Let me take you on a ride
Whisper softly in your ear
Things you could only imagine
And never thought that you would hear
Seduction,still my speciality
Until now,you never knew
I will show you things you've never seen
And steal your heart away from you!
Copyright ©
ki
... [
2007-12-05 00:35:21]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Seductress
(User Rating: 1 )
by JohnYamrus on
Wednesday, 5th December 2007 @ 03:38:45 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
this poem's pretty good, but it has a strong feeling of a work in progress. you can improve it by first correcting your typo here:
While your lying in my arms
it should be the contraction "you're". also, the only punctuation you use to end sentences are questionmarks. you forget periods. that's inconsistent...either use punctuation or don't. you're sending mixed messages which confuse the reader. as a writer, it's your responsibility (in order to have your work fully understood) to take the reader by the nose and guide them where you want them to go...inconsistent punctuation just confuses things.
also, you can give your poem greater impact by opening the lines up on the page. use space. add some stanza breaks which will (if only for a moment) force the reader to take an unconscious pause, which will force them to think a bit longer about the strength of your words. try it. you'll find it'll make a world of difference.
john
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Re: Seductress
(User Rating: 1 )
by 6whiteRoses on
Tuesday, 4th March 2008 @ 01:31:29 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| I love the way this poem was written |
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