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What is my fate?
Contributed by
broken_blade
on
Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 06:19:15 AM in AEST
Topic:
self-harmpoetry
|
What is my fate?
I am fighting without a weapon,
The blade, which draws the blood,
Fighting to survive...
Can I make it?
As dawn emerges,
And the only thing I can think about,
Is the colour of red painted on my wrists.
What is left?
Nothing but an endless flow of tears,
Dripping down my eyes...
My heart is acing,
From the pain that was once left behind,
On the surface of my skin.
Now, it fills me up inside.
I have no choice but to feel ,
for what has happened...
the blade cant hide it anymore.
Nor can my smile...
There is just too much.
Too much brokenness.
I stand alone,
With the blade in one hand
A band aid in the other,
And a box full of Kleenex...
What is my fate?
Should I cry an endless flow of tears?
Or bleed an endless flow of blood?
Its just too much... to bare this alone..
I am beyond understanding now.
Copyright ©
broken_blade
... [
2007-12-15 06:19:15]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: What is my fate?
(User Rating: 1 )
by JohnYamrus on
Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 07:33:15 AM AEST
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a Message)
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on the whole, this isn't a bad poem. not bad at all. if you wanted a suggestion, you could make it even better by correcting your two typos..."aching", not "acing"...and "bear", not "bare".
also, you could dramatically improve the poem by stretching it out and giving your reader some time to think about what you're saying. you do THAT by inserting stanza breaks at the end of every complete thought. for example...a break between these two lines:
Now, it fills me up inside.
I have no choice but to feel ,
will force a caesura...a dramatic pause...which adds depth and impact to your words. readers are creatures of habit...and if there's a space between a line they will unconsciously and automatically pause, if only for a second or two...and that little moment can add tons to the effect your work has on them.
best...
john yamrus
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Re: What is my fate?
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Saturday, 15th December 2007 @ 10:57:05 AM AEST
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a Message)
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VERY SAD BUT i THOUGHT YOU DID A GREAT JOB WRITING IT. kEEP WRITING AND IN TIME IT WILL GET BETTER.
lUV, HUGGS, FAITH, HOPE, JOY, PEACE,
emy |
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Re: What is my fate?
(User Rating: 1 )
by ki on
Tuesday, 18th December 2007 @ 01:58:34 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| i like this poem..nice write |
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