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dawn light smiles heaven weeps
Contributed by
forgotten_poet
on
Thursday, 27th December 2007 @ 04:46:10 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
heaven is weeping
tears dipped in moonlight
falling away
descending into night
dawn light smiles
upon your dreams
the rising sun
shall bring new things
night is fleeting
leaving the sky
greet the day
with sleepy eyes
morning is
what sweet dreams despise
which flutter away
at dawns surprise
Copyright ©
forgotten_poet
... [
2007-12-27 16:46:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: dawn light smiles heaven weeps
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Saturday, 29th December 2007 @ 05:13:27 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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i think they've forgotten you ^_^
i like this well enough, athough i think you ought to make the rhymes more subtle--when a rhyme stands out, it tends to burden the piece as a whole.
Perhaps try making them flow into the non rhymes more gracefully...
for instance,
upon your dreams
the rising sun
shall bring new things
^ that is flowing well
morning is
what sweet dreams despise
which flutter away
at dawns surprise
^ this is not so much
always, abraham |
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