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WAR
Contributed by
MILLER_GENUINE_SWINE
on
Sunday, 6th January 2008 @ 02:28:26 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
NOW I STAND FOR ALL TO SEE
THE LESSER MAN INSIDE OF ME
IVE COME TO FIGHT THIS ONE LAST BATTLE
LEARN TO LOVE FROM THE PAIN I'VE SEEN
TAKE ME WHERE MY EYES ARE LOST
DARKNESS HELL OR HOLACOST
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT SEE
THIS DEVIL THAT'S INSIDE OF ME
FIGHT THE DEMONS
INSIDE MY HEAD
MY MIND IS FULL OF THE HELL I'VE SEEN
NOT HERE ON EARTH BUT IN BETWEEN
COME TAKE MY SOUL AND SET IT FREE
I KNOW THERE IS SOME GOOD LEFT INSIDE OF ME
DEATHLY FOES I'VE NEVER FOUGHT
BODIES DEAD I SEE THEM ROT
DEATH IS UPON US
NOW RISE TO THE POWER
DON'T RUN TO THE HILLS DON'T YOU COWER
FIGHT WITH ME RIGHT BY MY SIDE
WE MIGHT LIVE THREW THIS SUICIDE
Copyright ©
MILLER_GENUINE_SWINE
... [
2008-01-06 14:28:26]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: WAR
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 6th January 2008 @ 06:36:34 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| this overall was a good post. some of the grammatical errors, lack of punctuation, and capital letters took away from what you were saying though. presentation is a lot in poetry, especially when the format can help the poetry be read more powerfully. this would have been a lot better in stanzas and without the spaces in between lines because that causes all the lines to lose power, instead of emphasizing a particular lines power by doing that same thing. you had some pretty good rhythm going in this, but some misssteps with word choice here and there interrupted it (which giving you the benefit of a doubt) could express the discord of war, add emphasis to the line, and not make this poem become sing songy and have the words overlooked for sound. this doesnt sound generic (like you are someone that hasnt fought in a war) and sounds real so that is an accomplishment to relay what youve seen (if you have served in war) or to write this well about an experience you havent had. overall good piece like i said. i liked the rawness and rhymes especially. |
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