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All These Days...Sorry
Contributed by
kili
on
Thursday, 28th February 2008 @ 02:10:05 PM in AEST
Topic:
StoryPoetry
|
All the days we were together, All the days i had you, All the days we would laugh and joke, All the days we said "I love you" Well all those days are threw. You let me in the darkness so cold not knowing what to do you came back to m one day but i didnt come back to you. You told me wat happened i just said ok them i left you in the darkness to see how much you will pay.cause all my friends told me that u werent doin right so i thought i should give you a piece of my mind Then i found what they said wasnt true and i felt sad and lonley and tryed to go back to you but you wouldnt let me so that ment we were threw. When i told you i loved you you just smiled and said thats fine but you should not have lied now i cant trust you .i cred mysef to sleep many days and nights for if i kew how much i hurt you i would not have went threw im sorry a million times i kno it wont work but i just have to say it for me not to feel like dirt.
Copyright ©
kili
... [
2008-02-28 14:10:05]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: All These Days...Sorry
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Thursday, 28th February 2008 @ 02:57:40 PM AEST
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a Message)
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You have here a very sincere effort. I'd think it'd be a good idea to try and divide your poem into uh...stanzas, at least. It's kind of hard to read. On that note, some attention grammatical and spelling would help too. It sounds a lot like you have an intended rhythm and rhyme, which would be more easily seen if you put it in stanzas.
I believe you've mistaken "through" for "threw," missed an apostrophe in "were threw," and haev a lot of commonly accepted "netspeak" abbreviations that are easy to type but harder to read (and less pleasing, at least for me). There's plenty of reason to bend or break the rules of English language, and it's been used to great effect quite often, but if that's not what you had in mind, it would be easier for the reader...if you switched back to normal English.
As a first poem, it's shows adolescent sensitivity, and is most definitely a step in a poetic direction. But please, make it more legible next time. |
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Re: All These Days...Sorry
(User Rating: 1 )
by my_forbidden_heart on
Friday, 29th February 2008 @ 04:11:41 AM AEST
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| This is a very sad poem. I do agree that you have mispelled some of the words but I understood what you were trying to say. It's very beautiful and so sad. |
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