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Crimson Rains
Contributed by
Suicide_Princess
on
Monday, 24th March 2008 @ 11:51:25 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
She was so innocent
She was never treated the way she deserved
So innocent and pure
Forgotten in the turmoils of other's lives
Tears cover her face, then the pillow
As darkness lay its cover over the world
A broken angel prepares to take her flight
Clutching the blade, she makes a last wish
Written upon a small piece paper
Wishing nobody would have to live her life
Wishing to be forgotten
The dawn comes and a storm wait on the horizon
Laying on the bed in her silk gown
A crimson princess lay, blade still in hand
One tear lay on her cheek
The angel finally broke free
Set free to take her flight to a better life
Rains begin to play their solemn tune
Lightening cuts through the dawn like the blade in her hands
A roar of thunder shouts out in anguish
The loss of a beautiful soul
An angel with broken wings
Finally, breaking free of her harsh reality.
Copyright ©
Suicide_Princess
... [
2008-03-24 11:51:25]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Crimson Rains
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Monday, 24th March 2008 @ 12:06:04 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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You have a good deal of potential, but you need to be more courteous to the words (not that I'm one to talk, i can be pretty well brutal with them).
What I mean by that is consider what each word feels; for instance, Crimson Rains is a great title not because crimson modifies rains, but because it embraces it, causing the two words to merge. Another example is broken wings, which is always a great coupling of words.
However, "Lightning cuts through the the dawn like the blade in her hands" is too much. It takes away from the experience. Even just taking out "the" before "dawn" alters it significantly.
In any case, it's good, but it could be better.
Write Everything
Always,
abraham |
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