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Thoughts of Suicide
Contributed by
alibof10
on
Monday, 14th April 2008 @ 06:18:41 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Thinking of what's coming ahead of me
Worried about my baby and what's to be
Wondering how are my sisters back home
I feel like I'm entering a dome
My baby havent replied
God, I wish I died
This feeling, like being gutted inside
Hurts so much, makes you think of suicide
My sisters, I miss chatting with
What if I met sudden death?
This feeling, like being torn apart inside
Hurts so much, makes you think of suicide
But my love to them makes me say NO
There must be something I dont know
My babys phone is probably still broken
I'm eagerly waiting to regain my token
Be able to talk with her all day
And send all my troubles away
My sisters are surly busy at school
When I get back Ill visit and pretend to be cool
I miss you all and love you more
No matter what, Ill be back and will soar
Copyright ©
alibof10
... [
2008-04-14 06:18:41]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Thoughts of Suicide
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Monday, 14th April 2008 @ 06:32:11 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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| ok i liked the emotion expressed in this, however my only suggestion would be to try to write more without rhymne. i feel its really holding you back. the forced rhymne is distracting from what you are trying to say. for example in the first stanza the first three lines are well written and draw you in but the last line "i feel like i'm entering a dome" doesnt make sense and is out of place in this context. it takes the reader out of your poem. another example of this is in the 4th stanza "i'm eagerly waiting to regain my token" it doesnt make sense, the rhyme feels forced and it takes the reader out of the poem. you have a good sense of style just dont be a slave to rhymne. |
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