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Untitled
Contributed by
juliestevens18
on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 01:50:31 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Remember the pain as you said my name
or was I the object of your affection, your twisted game
I loved to look at your frame, but my heart wasn't tame
So I screamed, "please give me the same, please give me the same!"
Was it the sweet on your tongue?
Or the words, I was hung
I was on you so sprung, hated when we were done
Did I fear you or did I fear me?
Was it sweetness or did it breathe?
Was your hand near the we?
I swear I felt so free
DId I pack for a reason?
Did my leaving feel like treason?
We all have our reasons
Mine was just freezing
Did you like it when my sweat touched your lips
As I moved down for a kiss
As I cradled the hips
watch the words that were missed
I remember the way
you sat down and laid
on your bed you watched the pain
as I felt your name
It was a year ago
that I watched the opening show
But you were the star of the show
You paced with no where to go
Taste me on your heart
I feel as though I am in bars
and the taste is so tart
But you know right where to start
Copyright ©
juliestevens18
... [
2008-04-19 13:50:31]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 02:18:44 PM AEST
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This read like a song to me. I must admit I became lost in it in a few places and will read it once more to get it all right in my head. I liked the poem overall.
Michelle |
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Re: Untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by jantra on
Saturday, 19th April 2008 @ 04:08:50 PM AEST
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hi julie
what michelle is trying to say is that this poem makes no sense. im sorry to say that because im sure it was written about something very emotional and very personal to you. but it is so vague and obliquely written that the reader is completely lost. first and foremost NOT ALL POETRY HAS TO RHYME and this is a prime example of what happens when you concentrate more on rhyming then the overall sense and flow of the poem. I will give you some examples of this.
Was it the sweet on your tongue?
Or the words, I was hung
I was on you so sprung, hated when we were done
this is a prime example of forced rhymes if you reworked this stanza it might actually be readable and sensical like this for example
Was it the sweetness of your tongue or just your words I was hung on?
I was so sprung on you.
I hated that second when we were through.
there are a few lines that im sorry to say are almost laughable because they make no sense.
"Was your hand near the we?
i swear i felt so free"
poetry is about communication and making the reader feel something. you want to make sure that what you are communicating is perfectly clear, stop trying to force the rhymes because it is making it sound like someone that speaks english as a second language.
I think you get my point here this poem as it is unfortunately is just painful to read. It needs to be really reworked. my suggestion is to read the poem aloud and see if it flows naturally, see if you can make it rhyme without making the sentences broken and choppy and if you cannot then forget about rhyme until you can. I hope these comments help! good luck jantra
DId I pack for a reason?
Did my leaving feel like treason?
We all have our reasons
Mine was just freezing
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