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Please Don't Leave
Contributed by
Bubbles02
on
Tuesday, 3rd June 2008 @ 04:22:48 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I think about you, day and night.
And after what you did, it isnt right.
Youre like a drug to me;
All I ever seem to see
Is you.
Oh, how I wish that werent true.
How I wish I could just forget about you.
But Im not sure that will ever happen.
Without you, my heart is cold and barren.
You leave, I die.
Break my heart again and Ill do much more than cry.
So please dont make me suffer through that pain again.
I couldnt handle it then,
And Im not sure I could now.
Im not asking you to make a vow;
But just to stay with me.
Dont leave because I need you badly.
Please dont leave.
Help me believe
That there is more to this life than just pain.
Copyright ©
Bubbles02
... [
2008-06-03 04:22:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Please Don't Leave
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lady_Daisy on
Tuesday, 3rd June 2008 @ 06:00:51 PM AEST
(User
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a Message)
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| I felt something more could have come out of this poem, just a few examples. The first line bored me to pieces! Why? You used a cliché, now in my experiences in writing clichés are bad so try to avoid them, the cliché you used is "day and night" this shows the reader that you are unimaginative (which I don't think you are!). You also could have elaborated more on a few things. A couple of examples "I'll do much more than cry" What? What will you do? Slice of his hooharrs perhaps? (I know you can't use that here!!). You mention pain a couple times, perhaps you can describe it some more? Also it was kind of unclear what this person has done to you to have these mixed feelings. |
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