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Love Song for a Dying Sun
Contributed by
surfwiththealien
on
Saturday, 28th June 2008 @ 03:17:30 AM in AEST
Topic:
surreal
|
She dances across the desert sky
Like crystalline streams, she flows.
Oer earth and plant and passerby,
The skyward traveling rose.
She reigned in ancient Babylon
And set on the eve of Rome.
A phoenix bright and flying on,
Forever searching for a home.
Through dark and starry nighttime sky
She stalks beneath the road
Of the cosmic highway rolling by
She drifts to lands unknown.
In desert heat, I danced with her
Across endless waves of sand
She skimmed the clouds of ivory fur,
And took me by the hand.
But what happened then, I cant describe
With petty words alone.
But with pen in hand, I shall transcribe
The wisdom I was shown.
My eternal soul let out a scream
As I feigned from her embrace.
Awakened from the fleeting dream,
With hands raised to my face.
A black and oozing shadow crept
Across her shining crown.
Lost for words, I sat and wept
As her gold faded to brown.
A blackened boil consumed her lips,
Dark rivers ran from her eye.
Skin wilted from her fingertips,
A sickly colored dye.
Her orange robes ran and mixed
With bubonic pools below
She stared at me with dead eyes fixed
As I watched her dying glow.
The sky above became a mess,
A canvas set afire.
My heart grew sick, I must confess
As I watched her flames grow higher.
Until suddenly all time stood still;
She took one final breath.
A euphoric dance that felt so real
Has ended, marked by death.
Now all life begins to fade
As darkness takes the land.
My frozen soul becomes a shade
To mark the fall of man.
Copyright ©
surfwiththealien
... [
2008-06-28 03:17:30]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Love Song for a Dying Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Saturday, 28th June 2008 @ 08:03:49 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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First of all I want to say welcome to YPDC.
Your poem took me on a journey and I had each word wrapped around me.
Incredible flow,, meter, and vivid detail and images.
Not to mention the emotion that is stirs in the reader.
Awesome job.
Michelle |
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Re: Love Song for a Dying Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Saturday, 28th June 2008 @ 04:45:07 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Wow, shelby said it all.
Incredible writing.
huggs,
emy
oh yeah, welcome. |
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Re: Love Song for a Dying Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Saturday, 28th June 2008 @ 04:45:13 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Wow, shelby said it all.
Incredible writing.
huggs,
emy
oh yeah, welcome. |
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Re: Love Song for a Dying Sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Saturday, 28th June 2008 @ 05:03:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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First of all, the imagery in this poem is fantastic. The story it tells is powerful and well-told.
My only problems with it are as follows:
First of all, you seem a bit tied down to using language Properly. I think you might get an even better flow if you were willing to drop an unneeded syllable or short word here or there.
Also, I think the poem is set up such that the end could bring the piece together and throw it into the reader in a better way than it now does. You might benefit from a more drawn out ending to allow yourself everything you need to say. This would provide an opportunity to both summarize the meaning of the piece and set the piece up to be applied to any part of life. While the current end does, in many ways, work, I feel that a more powerful conclusion would allow the piece to transcend goodness to greatness.
Feel free to ask for clarifications or expansions on anything I said, or anything else.
Keep writing,
Solomon |
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