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Sailor's Song
Contributed by
ediii
on
Tuesday, 1st July 2008 @ 05:48:48 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Hands folded in
the setting sun in her hair and eye
on he horizon
the edge of the cob
crumbling,
*
I didn't know I was looking back until I looked ahead
neck craned, rigid.
The steps were timid and fast and hard and
stop
the fear kicking in the hand
on the door knob
my carriage waiting reluctantly
I step in, packing the horizon
in my suitcase.
"Where to?" the driver asks.
"Ahead" I say fumbling
through my passport many have chatted
on the plush cream-white
lining, many had stretched
to fall on the road and I,
hands folded on
the setting sun on the window pane
adjust my corselette back
to its place the ports pass by with a nod
I urge the driver on afraid
he will leave when the door knob
bulges as the cobs have
crumbled
under the tumult of your
leaving siren.
Copyright ©
ediii
... [
2008-07-01 17:48:48]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Sailor's Song
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenith66 on
Sunday, 13th July 2008 @ 09:26:30 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Okay before i tell you how much i loved this piece, I must point something out to you, ther are alot of lines that could use puntuation such as commas and full stops, it seems as if the lines are too long sometings adn that i am forced to keep reading, its a shame really because this is one of the best poems ive read since joining this site, your style is really appealing to me and i find your writing immensly unique, i loved how you say you paced the horizon, that was a stunnign image, really, so many of your lines had a rel impact on me and i was left loving this peice, i thikn i'll read more of your things now lol...great writing keep it up!! true talent |
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